this world is where i breathe - let it never be called home!

Things that Inexplicably Bring Me Happiness and Comfort

2012-02-06T16:01:00.001-06:00

Last week was rough. My grandpa died, and several unexpected things happened that see no reason to go into.

But I'm fine, don't you worry. I have dear friends and family. Also, lists:

Things that Inexplicably Bring Me Happiness and Comfort (incomplete)

Blankets
Pillows
Organization
Lists
“Things” with meaning
Making something from nothing
Grilled cheese and tomato soup
Sunlight flitting through open blinds
Large piles of books
Bright, clean places
Empty, lived-in spaces
Reading in public
Stuffed animals
Throwing crap away, consolidating
The hum of happy people at the coffee shop where I work
Doing a task correctly, unassisted
Driving

And finally, Tumblr

Awareness & Wonder

2012-01-26T20:08:00.003-06:00

Something I've wanted for a long while is to be aware. I want to be aware of every moment, experience, feeling, person, and thing. ...I want to notice it all, wonder in it all.

Little, uh, grand of an idea, I know. Little ambitious. Probably unattainable in any pure sense. But I tend to close myself off in my mind, so I figure just the intention to get out of my head will help. Right? *wince*

Wish I could present this a little more...linearly, but I've thought through the concept in loops and zig-zags, not to mention t takes a long time for new ideas like this to settle together in my head. But the common thread is awareness and wonder.

When I was younger, I read the Lily series by Nancy Rue. Lily starts out obsessing over one thing after another, trying to find her niche (something that really resonated with me). In the end, though, instead of finding an activity or occupation to be known by, she realizes that her "thing" is to find God in the details. To search for the unnoticed things, bring them to the light.

Later, I head this quote by Jim Elliot:

"Wherever you are, be all there."

Two years ago I started reading JD Salinger, and many of his ideas stuck with me, like this that Seymour says:

“I have scars on my hands from touching certain people…Certain heads, certain colors and textures of human hair leave permanent marks on me.”

Last summer I stumbled across this quote by John Piper, about C.S. Lewis:

“Lewis gave me, and continues to give me, an intense sense of the astonishing “realness” of things. He had the ability to see and feel what most of us see and do not see. He had what Alan Jacobs called “omnivorous attentiveness.” I love that phrase. What this has done for me is hard to communicate. To wake up in the morning and to be aware of the firmness of the mattress, the warmth of the sun’s rays, the sound of the clock ticking, the coldness of the wooden floor, the wetness of the water in the sink, the sheer being of things (quiddity as he called it). And not just to be aware but to wonder. To be amazed that the water is wet. It did not have to be wet. If there were no such thing as water, and one day someone showed it to you, you would simply be astonished.”

Then, about a month ago, I listened to the audio commentary on the Firefly episode, "An Object in Space." Joss Wheedon talks about something that was a bit of an echo of quiddity. He says the idea for the episode first came because of a book by Jean-Paul Sartre, Nausea:

“…what it talked about was the pain of being aware of things and their existence, outside of their meaning. Just the very fact of objects in space. That we cannot stop existence and we cannot stop change, that we have to accept these things. ... there’s a passage in the book that says nothing can exist only slightly. And the protagonist is so overwhelmed by this fact, the fact that every piece of paper he picks up off the ground exists so completely, is so much there, it actually makes him nauseous, it makes his stomach hurt, it’s too intense. For me, it has a kind of rapture to it and I find meaning in objects to be a beautiful thing because I have no plan to put them in. I find the meaning of the object to be within the object, both in however it’s functional and the fact of its existence. A ball is to be thrown, but it’s also just a round thing.”

Around the same time, I had a conversation with a good friend. There was this particular song he sent me, that frightened the crap out of me, because I had such a strong emotional reaction to it. He told me something very simple, but it stuck.

"Feel your feelings."

And finally, just a couple weeks ago, I finished The Fault in Our Stars by John Green:

"There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities."

“It seemed like forever ago, like we've had this brief but still infinite forever.”

I don't even know how to conclude this. I just want all of that. I want to be aware of it all, as often as I can be. I want to wonder at every moment, experience, feeling, person, and thing.

I want to be so very alive.

2012-01-16T23:04:00.000-06:00

The most intelligent, bursting-with-feeling people I’ve met were also breathtakingly funny. You can’t cope with those two things if you take yourself seriously.

P.S. I'm thinking about getting a tumblr. I know, I know.

Bit of News.

2012-01-16T13:30:00.000-06:00

I used to be one of those people who made fun of YouTubers who had multiple channels. Having said that, uh, I made another YouTube channel. This brings the total of channels to…four. *awkward chuckle*

It’s basically a place to record what God’s been teaching me. Explaining things helps me remember. I’d love to talk about it with you all in the comments, hear what God’s teaching you, etc.

There’s two videos up so far. The first is an explanation video. Why the channel is named what it is, what I intend to do with it, etc.

The second talks about what I’ve been learning recently. …I say “it just blew my mind” a lot.

So, yeah. We’ll see what happens.

I'm Not Good at Titles

2012-01-12T03:10:00.000-06:00

It's January. Which means I'm unhealthily reflective and probably self-absorbed.

Going to be gruesomely honest in this. I don't mean that in the endearing way that someone can be upfront and charming about their faults. I also don't know if I can write about it without appearing as a juvenile, proud, manipulative d-bag. Risk I'm going to take, because I need to get it out to understand.

I am....adept?...at reading people and, based on that information, behaving in such a way that they generally like me. Not all of the time, of course, and not ever with complete accuracy. But often, if I've had time to observe someone and their interactions with other people, I know how to act and what to/not to say to make them comfortable, to make them want to be around me, to make them feel special.

Of course we all do this, it's necessary in many situations, I'm not saying this is some sort of talent unique to me. But, in observing others, I've started to wonder if I do it a bit more than average. And more than I should, perhaps.

But it isn't that I change who I am! (feeling defensive, Melinda?) I want to explain it -- in this ridiculous way, I'm sorry -- I'm a chameleon. I change my colors, I blend, but I'm incapable of changing who I am. I wonder if this is why John Green has an aversion to saying "be yourself." You are you. You can't change that. You are you. I am me. But I bring forward some characteristics for some people, others for other people. Almost, but never quite, to the point of contradiction.

I....don't think...there's a problem with this.

Yet there were times when I've stepped back to wonder which version of myself is genuine. And I couldn't tell you. Because it's all me, collectively. The bits of myself that I keep hidden at times are no "more me" than the bits I show to whomever I'm with. It took me a long time to understand that. I wonder, though, if I've ever given a single person a holistic view of who I am. But...does that matter? And is it ever possible?

And is it so important that we're "being ourselves," always? I'm all for individuality, but sometimes it seems like one could smoother a person with their quote-unquote uniqueness.

[In some ways I hate writing things like this, because of course to me it feels like a new revelation, but it isn't. In fact, that's generally what I feel about all of the creative outlets I have, and yet I know that isn't a valid excuse to stop creating. There are no new ideas, just fresh ways of presenting them for your "audience." And that's okay, it's okay, it's okay. (The Fault in Our Stars is tearing me into pieces, hah.)]

Maybe this is why it so aggressively frustrates me when people assume; why "What a treacherous thing to believe a person is more than a person" resonates with me. Because, conversely, it's a treacherous thing to believe someone is less than yourself (the only person you know completely). It's treacherous to think they don't have their own emotions, that they haven't been through struggles, that they're not living their own story in which they're the hero.

A few people have told me they like me because I'm the same in real life as on YouTube. This baffles and confuses and frightens me, because that's its own front, right there!

Ah, all things to all people.

Bits scattered here and there, something exploded, but when put back together...still itself. The largest piece of shrapnel is not more of a house than any other piece of shrapnel.

Gah, I'm starting to write in the abbreviated, nonsensical way that tells you I am up past my bedtime and want you to crawl around inside my brain so I don't have to explain myself clearly.

What I want to say. Is. Please don't be surprised or grievously disillusioned if you come to find a person is sometimes different than who you thought they were. It doesn't necessarily mean they've been lying to you, or don't trust you, or aren't comfortable being themselves around you. What it does mean, I can't say.

This has been another late night edition of Emo Thoughts With Melinda, thank you and goodnight.

these little black pixels

2012-01-05T23:52:00.001-06:00

I've been writing little stories since I can remember, but it wasn't until Christmas break of 2005 that my friend Melody and I decided to write something resembling a novel. We were adorably self-aware, however, and just referred to them as stories. That we were "writing novels" or even "writing books" sounded too pretentious to us. Special 13 and 14 year-olds, we were.

We worked on our respective stories for a couple years, planning, writing, editing, rewriting...making them into something we could stand to read. We edited for each other, stepped on each other's creative toes, and administered swift kicks in the pants if any slacking occurred. And, with much help from each other, we finished them.

After I finished my story (which believe me...it's. oh, goodness. not something I'm proud of), I started a few others, but couldn't seem to stick anything out. Though I'd always known my stories were, well, lackluster, I still enjoyed writing. But around my senior years of high school, I started to appreciate literature in a deeper way. I saw how it could change mindsets, instruct, inform, encourage. I saw in a deeper way how beautiful prose and plots can be, how stories can enrich one's life. I realized I badly wanted to be a part of that someday.

And then...I held my scribblings to the standard of my heroes.

I got scared.

Of course I wasn't supposed to be as good as published authors yet. I knew that, I know that. But it is such a frightening thing. You could write for your entire life, and there's no guarantee of being published. But, paradoxically, if you don't write for your entire life, you most likely won't get published. It's such a gamble.

For a few years I've been afraid to write any fiction, because I know I'll be ashamed of what comes out. But that's folly. You have to write through the crap, any author will tell you that.

And yet what if I still don't "have what it takes?"

Well. Ultimately it's come down to this: I love to write. I love it. In fact, in many ways I must write, because so often things don't make sense to me until I see them in these little black pixels. Whether it's for myself or for others to read, I love to write.

So today, six years after I started writing in earnest, with some firm encouragement from Melody...I started working on a story. I dug up some old plans and character sketches, surprised at how quickly they reformed in my mind. Then once I actually started writing, I remembered how much effort and time it takes. I think I spent about two hours on less than five hundred words today.

But goodness how it was worth it.

I know I have a long way to go if I'd like to finish something worthwhile. But for now, it is so good to be writing again.

What Tomorrow Holds.

2012-01-03T01:28:00.000-06:00

I told a friend today I was worried about "my" tomorrow. It wasn't my intention to make it possessive, as if it was only my tomorrow, it made sense in context. But that unintentional phrasing made me step back from my self-obsession for a moment.

It's so easy for me to be swept away in my own perspective. The world is happening to me. What that person is doing is affecting me. It all goes through my lenses.

But no, Melinda, you narcissist, there are billions of different perspectives.

When I was a child, I would look out of my car window and wonder at the people in the cars rushing by (and they were always rushing, because my dad has driven like an old man since he was 30). What are their lives like? I would wonder what they were feeling, thinking, wanting. I would wonder where they were going, what they were doing.

Traffic was overwhelming for my little heart.

I still think of that often as I'm driving. Hundreds of different realities drifting, rushing, merging all around me.

Maybe it was Jake's Tomorrow video or just a slight bent towards morbidity, but nearly every time I venture out these days, I think about how any miscalculation from me or a nearby driver could cost a life, a reality that means everything to its owner.

A life, a soul, there's no way to measure its worth. The potential it holds is infinite. And valuing your own life above someone else's life is a dangerous, dangerous thing.

I'm still a little worried about tomorrow. But knowing I'm not the only one who will experience it is comforting.

My Pastor reminded me of a phrase yesterday, and I'll leave you with it: "I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds tomorrow."

Everyone's Sentimental (Me Included)

2012-01-01T04:25:00.000-06:00

2011. Everyone's talking about it. All the bloggers/tumblrs get sentimental on New Year's Eve/Day. It's like the rose colored glasses of the last weeks of high school, only every year. For the rest of your life. Oh, don't look at me like that, I'm no exception.

2011 was full of fantastic and difficult. Here are a few uncatagorized...happenings.

YouTube, YouTube, YouTube. Stretched and grew me in ways I never could've predicted. Made friends I can't imagine life without. Was encouraged, so much, and also torn apart. Both of which were beneficial.
Sang at the AWANA Summit in Chicago with a "real band," in front of a group near a thousand, I believe. Nearly threw up before, didn't do a flawless job. But it was one of the most worshipful performances of which I've been a part. Laughed harder and longer than ever thought possible with band mates.
Was paid to write. Still can't quite believe that.
Experienced a level of stress I'd never encountered because of above job, but made it through.
Was cared for unconditionally by a sweet man. Learned so much about the selflessness that makes a relationship work. Had a wonderful time. And then slowly and painfully realized it wasn't right, had to end it.
Discovered that the end of a relationship, no matter who ends it, comes with a grief that has to be... grieved. I wouldn't want to repeat April, May and June, but I'm grateful for it all.
Became an aunt of an adorable niece. Was able to spend an wonderful amount of time with my nephews in Sasia. Got to re-get to know my oldest sister and her husband.
Learned how truly difficult it is to care for children, realized how badly I want kids someday.
Experienced a radically different culture, survived almost 40 hours of traveling both ways (accompanied by a cancelled flight and lost luggage).
Realized in a fresh way that beauty is subjective and intelligence isn't as important as I presumed, learned to accept it.
Discovered the power of prayer in a new way.
Took a hard look at the difference between what I've been taught and what the Bible says.
Struggled with wanting independence and choosing submission.
Learned the peace and joy that comes with humility and surrender in every area of my life.
Was pushed out of my comfort zone and prompted to share my faith. Realized that when you continue to step out of your comfort zone, your comfort zone expands.
Learned so much about inspiration and creativity.
Began to understand what it is that makes me happy, fulfilled and useful.
Accepted that I'm wired to be a night owl, and there's not a whole lot I can do about it.
Saw God provide for me financially over and over again, in unexpected and humbling ways. He is so good.
Oh, goodness. Learned that choices made out of rebellion, spite or emotional vulnerability are choices I will regret.
Tried to stop apologizing unnecessarily for things, hahaha.
Was a bridesmaid for the third time at the wedding of two of my closest childhood friends.
Gladly left my teen years behind.
Got to go back to Disney World, a different but still wonderful experience.
Was a counselor at a new camp, and a counselor at an old camp for the fifth year.
Acted in a daily skit for my church's VBS. Stretched and stressed me out, because it's not something that comes naturally to me. Comfort zone business again.

There are so many more things. But this is blog, not a journal, and so I suppose some semblance of brevity is important. Also, sleep. What? 4:30am? Gotta be up by 8am? Nothing new.

Hope your 2011 was wonderful, and I pray 2012 brings good and new experiences our way.

2011-12-20T16:29:00.001-06:00

Proposal stories. They get me. Every time.

Whether I react in absolute horror over how horrid and presumptuous they are, or how precious...there is no apathy when I hear a proposal story. Last night I heard what might be my favorite.

Last night was our Christmas for my Mom's side of the family. Out of 11 cousins, only 3 were there, marking the first year where the majority of us weren't present (present. Christmas. Pahah. Punny. Don't mind me.).

I was at one time very close to my cousins. Particularly my Mom's sister's kids, the Smiths. Four boys, one girl, all with J names, might I add (Can we mention that all of my sisters have K names? It's such a joy for me to point that out, that I'm the only M. I covet your pity, dear ones. Haha.). When we were young, we would tramp through a local wildlife preserve together, play Indians and Cowboys in their basement, have lengthy Mario Brothers battles, watch "guy movies."

...and the conversations, oh the conversations.

I should mention here that they were also homeschooled, and homeschooling tends to bring out the obsessive side of kids, since there's more time to devote to hobbies. I say this with a wry smile, because it's a blessing and a curse. Justin, the oldest in the Smith family, knew (I have to assume from birth) that he wanted to be a lawyer, Jason -- I can't recall -- something fascinating to do with his gregarious personality; Jonathan, in the military; Joseph, a policeman and/or preacher and Joy, well, she was the baby (don't hate me, Joy, I was in the same boat). Kristin knew from an early age that she wanted to be a missionary, and Kari, a writer.

And then their were the hobbies -- the Smiths had extensive collections. Coins, football/baseball cards, etc. The Hutsons were readers and musicians. But I've found that when there is mutual passion of that sort towards anything, there's a certain like-mindedness that draws people together. Do you know what I mean?

We were all of us precocious, and fed on each others' (other's?) precociousness. So much laughter, though, and so many heated but friendly debates. Much time was spent in pointing out patterns and idiocies in the world, all with an air of complete originality -- oh how right we knew we were.

(I have to smile wryly again. Is there any time when we don't think ourselves completely and totally faultless in our logic?)

And now we've grown. Justin is indeed a lawyer, and quite the rising star. Kristin is overseas. Kari, a published author. Jason is working towards a degree in physical therapy. Jonathan is in the military (also a rising star, I have no doubt), and Joseph is studying at seminary. Joy and I, well, give us time.

Out of those 8 cousins, three are married. And one is newly engaged, Justin. Last night he shared how he popped the question, and Lord have mercy. It's was precious.

He's reserved, Justin, a quality you might not assume a born lawyer would posses. Incredibly thoughtful. Quick to smile. Very attentive. His fiance is as intelligent as he, which believe you me is saying quite a lot. And so, when he knew that she was the one, he wanted to plan this out carefully so he could surprise her.

"She's so perceptive, and picks up on clues very easily. I knew, though, that this was a memory that she would want to treasure, and so a lot of planning was required." He said quietly last night, a wide grin never leaving his face.

I don't want to retell his story without permission, but 4 months in advance he was already planting thoughts so that she would suspect nothing. It was adorable, it was thoughtful, it was tasteful (lands how I hate the propose-in-front of thousands or flash mob proposals), and she was surprised and so delighted.

It's weird. It's strange, that we've come to this point in our lives. I love it, so why is it bittersweet? People always reminisce about the simplicity and beauty of childhood - have I been brainwashed by that? I don't think it's wise to glamorize it, and yet there's no denying that childhood holds a distinct charm. The innocent dreams, unfulfilled and wild, the unknowing, the mystery of it all...

But things change, and that's neither inherently good or bad.

I'm grateful for that time, and I'm grateful for this.

P.S. To my unknown future fiance. I am so, so sorry for my persnickety nature. I'm sure I'll be pleased as punch with whatever you decide to do, okay? Don't fret.

2011-11-06T01:46:00.000-05:00

The night before I left for this trip was a little rough. A close friend called with some hard news, and I also got a little cold shock of reality that I wasn’t expecting. Not to mention I was stressed about the Sasia trip in the morning. I have this tendency to misinturpret simple instructions, which is disasterous in airports. Yep.

This morning on the way to the airport my dad noticed that I wasn’t very....chipper. I passed it off as sleepiness and stress, but honestly all I wanted was someone to just go on this trip with me, and keep me from wallowing in all of this new, frustrating news. Nothing like a 48 hour journey to encourage my over-analyzing mind, and a friend would be such a help fending it off.

The first person that came to mind was Chas. Yep. Old RC himself. Because Chas, you seem like the perfect traveling buddy (Veggie Tales anyone? Anyone? K.). Your banter would keep one distracted, but logic and sensitivity would keep one from dwelling on anything stupid. And, like, it would be nice to actually meet you. Haha.

Anyway. So I was thinking about this on the way there. Bit distracted. True to form, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to use the Passport scanner, and my dad kindly pointed to the humungous sign that very simply explained how to work it. Good stuff. Breezed through the security at KCI, which was brilliantly empty of people. In fact, walking up to KCI I couldn’t help but think it looked dismally like a ghost town. But all the better for me.

Goodbyes were said. Kisses blown.

Checked twitter and YouTube comments while I waited, which made me smile. I know there are a multitude of trolls and idiots on YouTube, but I’ve had such a lovely experience so far. It cheered me up considerably.

And then...after nearly missing my boarding call, because I couldn’t see what group I was in, though it was by far the largest font on my boarding pass, I sat down. They were excruciatingly clear that all bags should be stowed under the seat, and I had a large carry on and a laptop bag. I was hopelessly trying to shove them both under the seat when a guy, medium height and dark hair, sat down next to me. I resorted to putting my feet on top of the case and spoke to him - “You think if I just sit like this, nonchallantly...”

“...maybe they won’t notice?” He laughed. “Here, I have extra room under my backpack. Want me to keep it there?”

“Oh I would so appreciate that. Thank you so much.” Thank God for gentlemen.

“Not a problem. Where you headed to?”

And that’s when I noticed his southern drawl. “South Asia, actually. You?”

“Going home to Kentucky.”

Instantly thought of Chas. But I’ll have you know that I’m not one of those people that asks “OH, I know someone in your state, DO YOU KNOW THEM.” Because, really. Who does that? ....everyone. And I was tempted to, haha. Just like when you see someone who looks like a friend, you instantly want to tell them about it. It’s instinctive and hilariously useless.

Anyway. We carried on talking, and it came out that he was a Christian, as well. We talked for awhile, comfortably, then each went straight for our respective books. He only inturrupted me once, to show me some weird message on the airsick bag that we promptly both made fun of.

And then I noticed the cap that he was wearing...was a Wildcats hat.

So. Chas. Met someone eerily like you on a plane. Just after I’d wished that you were with me. I mean, if that doesn’t prove God is in the details...

Quiddity.

2011-08-30T18:49:00.000-05:00

Lewis gave me, and continues to give me, an intense sense of the astonishing “realness? of things. He had the ability to see and feel what most of us see and do not see. He had what Alan Jacobs called “omnivorous attentiveness.” I love that phrase. What this has done for me is hard to communicate. To wake up in the morning and to be aware of the firmness of the mattress, the warmth of the sun’s rays, the sound of the clock ticking, the coldness of the wooden floor, the wetness of the water in the sink, the sheer being of things (quiddity as he called it). And not just to be aware but to wonder. To be amazed that the water is wet. It did not have to be wet. If there were no such thing as water, and one day some one showed it to you, you would simply be astonished.

(John Piper on C.S. Lewis)

2011-08-12T17:13:00.000-05:00

*clears throat* *cracks knuckles* *flexes fingers* *rests on keyboard*

Hello.

This has been a mind-numbing summer. By the time I trudged into August my psyche had been fried by the unreal heat, strenuous weeks of camp (without AC I might add) and frustrating personal situations. When I was home, I nearly exclusively slept, ate; watched Fringe, Dead Like Me, and a slew of 80's movies. Hence the lack of internet and social presence.

*whiney-whiney-whine*

To be truthful, I feel like I regressed into a lot of bad habits and mental patterns this summer. It's daunting to look at the ground I need to make up this fall.

Word to the wise? Escapism only weakens you.

But there were definitely some positives to this summer!

-Deathly Hallows Pt. 2 (For the record, I enjoyed it, cried a lot -- but WHY DIDN'T HARRY REPAIR HIS WAND?! C'MON. Several things like that irked me.)
-Pottermore! (I got in on Day 4! DragonStar115.)
-My sister and her family are here for the summer! My nephews, Ethan and Tobin, are absolutely darling.
-I finally have a niece! My second oldest sister had a little baby girl, Lydia. Equally darling.
-Every camp, though filled with its own difficulties, was ultimately good.
-The Sunday nights at Sonic with the best friends a girl could hope for, gettin' down with Lecrae, haha. (She da CHURCH.)
-The slumber party with same wonderful friends, watching Princess Diaries and quoting every other line.

So even though right now I'm feeling a little lost while the majority of my friends leave for/begin school, and am even more mystified about my own future, I'm taking these last few weeks of summer to try to shake off this apathy and start, I don't know, being a useful member of society or whatever.

Yeah.

Patronus Charm Memories

2011-04-19T19:56:00.001-05:00

April has been exceptionally difficult for everyone, it seems. Thinking about times of severe, overflowing happiness was good for me today.

It was too hard to narrow it down to one memory, so I'd like to list several!

I grew up with a very tight-knit group of friends, and one year the majority of us were counselors at a summer camp. By the middle of the week we were all sleep-deprived, our patience was past being tried and caffeine has begun to lose its power. In a moment of irresponsibility, we ditched the kids with some adult counselors under the guise of "practicing our skit." We hightailed it to the chapel and spent a good hour shouting inside jokes, wailing Veggie Tales songs and just generally being ridiculous.
Once, with this same group of friends, we went kayaking under the stars. That is definitely one of the purest, happiest memories I possess.
Anytime I went on a trip with my family. We almost always took some sort of road trip, and being the nerdy girls we are, Kari and I would read (and sometimes she would read out loud to me), or Kristin, Kari and I would sing in three part harmony. It's a cliche thing to say, but the journey really was just as fun as the destination.
I also remember one particular 4th of July, the first I celebrated with just my friends. I believe it was right before everyone left for college We stretched out on blankets talked and laughed, imagining what the next few years would hold, and treasuring those last months together.
Then there's the time Jake, Stephen and Cameron choreographed an interpretive dance to Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap. Pure. Joy.
A few simple memories? The summer I finally read all 7 Harry Potter books. The time in the Ozarks I stumbled upon Narnia, in Radio Theater form. When I finally watched The Lord of the Rings. The summer I got up at 5am so I would have more time in the day to read.
Haiti. Oh, Haiti I miss so much. I adored spending time with the dozens of orphans at Haiti Home of Hope. I miss Otenel and Rose Gallin and Jackenson especially. The last night playing with Otenel was precious. The time I sang with the girls in their dorm was precious. When Fricko gave me a flower I melted. Every time Jackenson teasingly pulled my hair was adorable. When the boys found out that I wasn't too bad at soccer and always begged me to play with them....pure happiness.

That's enough reminiscing. :) I hope you all take some time to think about your happiest memories!

Meaning.

2011-04-10T01:05:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder...do I mean what I say?

For years I've said I despise hypocrisy. I've been drawn to honest and genuine people who...are sometimes a bit tactless.

But I myself? I am often guilty of saying things I don't mean, just because they're the right thing to say.

I suppose there's two things I could do about that. Either I only say what I mean and risk being mean (though...aren't I still mean, if I think the things I don't say?). Or I could pray that I change to believe all I say.

Meh. Late night brief blogs are becoming my thing.

I Have to Get it Out.

2011-03-30T02:31:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time there was a person. For the effect they had on me, they could have been a boy or a girl, but they happened to be a boy. This boy was so wholly himself and appreciative of truly good things, that he inspired THIS girl to be who she was created to be.

Why can't we all be like that?

I have to remind myself that what keeps me from growth and change is pride.

The more I learn and experience about God, the more I realize why it was the sin of pride that caused Satan to be thrown from God's presence.

A bit heavy and under-explained, I'm sorry, I just had to get it all out of my head before I could focus on what needs to be done tonight. :)

(WRITE, MELINDA. JUST WRITE. COME ON. Aasdf;lksjf.)

Encouragement.

2011-03-25T00:46:00.002-05:00

A facebook note of a friend that encouraged me SO much.

I have a story to tell you all...and I've been debating about sharing it since it happened this morning. But I keep thinking about it and the more I think about it, the more I want you all to know lol
It started this morning, around 10 a.m. and I was sitting in my car in the parking lot at Gap. I had gotten off work 10 minutes earlier and had just been sitting, thinking about my upcoming day. I'd been up since 6 without breakfast and was starving so I needed food. I needed to take my car into the shop for an inspection. I needed to put gas in my car. I was also coordinating different meeting times and places between both my mother and my best friend. I was starting to get seriously stressed, trying to figure out how my day was going to fit together.

Normally I handle stress just fine. I can ignore it until I reach the point where the problem has been solved and stressing out over it has become irrelevant. But not today. Today I realized that my bank account was empty. Completely. And between my car, filling my tank, and getting something to eat...my entire agenda was going to cost me a lot. I had deposited a paycheck the night before, but it always takes a minimum of 24 hours for it to register and become available for withdrawl. Always. Which left me with $11 to my name until 7 that night. I closed my eyes and felt tears of anxiety and frustration slowly creep their way to the surface.
I called my mom and talked to her about my day. She suggested that I stop by the bank and check my account balance. I rolled my eyes and rather harshly told her that was pointless. It was impossible for my check to have registered already. She just encuraged me to go anyway. What could it hurt? So I went.
The whole way there, I was thinking, and worrying and trying not to cry. Then I remembered something Austin said a few weeks ago at 2.0 - why was I worrying? God had everything under control. Why wasn't I trusting Him to take care of me? I stopped and prayed, giving God control of my situation and asking Him to give me peace and to provide for me. I immediately felt better, a sense of calm washing over me. I pulled into the bank and turned my radio on to k-love. The song playing was "Walk by Faith" by Jeremy Camp. It was as if God was saying, Don't depend on yourself little one! Walk by faith, I WILL provide for you, I WILL come through for you! Trust me..

My hands shook as I inserted my card and waited for the account slip to print. I knew, before I had even looked I knew, my check was there.
And it was.
Tears of joy and relief flowed freely. How great is my God! He came through for me today. He took care of me. You know, in most stories, there is the damsel in distress and there is the hero. As much as I hate to admit it, I was the damsel in distress today. And God? He was my hero. He was my knight in shining armor, riding in to save the day.
Reading this, you may be thinking how trivial. But it's always a joyful and exciting experience for me to see God working. And too often I think, I don't give Him the opportunity to. He let us have free will, he doesn't push himself on us. A lot of the time I feel like He waits for our invitation to show Himself. But when He does show himself, when He does come through, it leaves me wondering why I find it so hard to give up control in the first place?? This is the lesson God has been teaching me lately. Give Him control. He knows what He's doing, and I have no clue. The solution seems obvious. So why do I hesitate? Apparently the lesson is still being learned...

Oh, Late Night Thoughts.

2011-03-01T03:21:00.000-06:00

I am grateful

for slow internet that taught me patience
for generic brands that taught me appreciation

old tv's taught me to read
broken toys taught me to love
an unfinished basement taught me to play

full glasses of milk taught endurance
skirts taught growth
peas taught hate
a room taught change

dishes peace
vacuuming noise
laundry memory

sisters who taught me to agree
parents who taught me to live

the furnace that taught me safety

piano,
piano
joy.

I've lived in this house, only. Someone is coming to see it "tomorrow" (when it's this early it's still night), to make an offer. I was fine with this until tonight. We're not even selling it, they just wanted to buy it so badly that we're showing...

but, but...it's my home.

If we sell -- which we won't (will we?) -- I hope they can fill it with even happier memories.

Neglected. Again.

2011-02-15T22:02:00.000-06:00

The title says it all, no more excuses from me. :)

I had a wonderful walk this afternoon with my older sister, Kari. For being sisters, we have vastly different outlooks on things, and we balance each other out. It's wonderful...now that we're not living in the same house. ;)

Among many, many other things that we talked about while we walked in the balmy 50 degree weather (WINTER HAS BEEN LONG), we talked about how reading the Bible is, in an of itself, a necessary and humbling thing for a believer. I'd forgotten, once again, how much I need God's words, not just a constant flow of words from me to Him.

So tonight I had fresh eyes when I opened my Bible. I stumbled around a bit, since I hadn't picked a book to read this month, but finally ended on this amazing Psalm. It was so perfect for me right now that I wanted to share it, though I realize that it's hard to completely grasp why it means so much to me since you're not going through the same circumstances...still, in the hopes that maybe there's one person who feels like I do right now, here's this:

You Will Not Abandon My Soul
A Miktam [1] of David.

16:1 Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
2 I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you.”
3 As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,
in whom is all my delight. [2]
4 The sorrows of those who run after [3] another god shall multiply;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.
5 The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
6 The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
7 I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me. [4]
8 I have set the Lord always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being [5] rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
10 For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption. [6]
11 You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Taking Myself Too Seriously

2011-02-03T16:43:00.000-06:00

So, I've had to re-learn something I thought I'd conquered years ago. But with this new YouTube phase, where I've met so many new people, I've had to realize it all over again.

I take myself and my "issues" (MIND THE QUOTES) far. Too. Seriously. And as soon as I start focusing inward on all my "problems" (SEE THE QUOTES THERE?) it's when I get crazy. And myyyy can I get crazy.

It can be summed up in this quote: "There is no feeling in a human heart which exists in that heart alone -- which is not, in some form or degree, in every heart."(George McDonald) We're all alike. We all have the same issues. I need to re-learn to deal with mine quickly and quietly, laugh at them, and MOVE ON.

We all feel alone sometimes. We all feel as if we're misunderstood. But when we do, it's our own fault for not trying to explain it to those who love us. We're trapped in the pity party of pride, thinking no one else can understand. Do everyone, especially yourself, a favor -- fess up to your faults quickly, change, and move on. I know that's harsh. It's because I'm telling it to myself.

Have some dignity, please. Learn to be healthy. It can happen. Things get better.

Remember kindness vs. niceness.

Leave the pity and the flattery away from me, pretty please.

I love you all. :)

20 Things I Will Never Do Concerning YouTube

2011-02-02T18:13:00.001-06:00

1. Sub for sub, box for box

2. Friend requests (just….just no. I don’t get it.)

3. Make videos or covers just for views

4. Make a video SOLEY because subs want it

5. Share too much concerning personal issues

6. Be overly masochistic/sadistic

7. Overcompensate by being pretending to be proud

8. Respond negatively to trolls

9. Apologize for being new (geez I’ve done that enough)

10. Shout out people out of pity

11. Ask for a shout out

12. Clones

13. Parody of a parody

14. Videos over 5 minutes – with RARE exceptions

15. Lip-syncing

16. Overuse annotations to make up for lack of effort

17. Apologize for something I’m happy with

18. Complain/rant/whine too much

19. Ask for votes

20. Ask people to buy things

Having said that, I make videos. Watch only if you’d like to. :)

http://www.youtube.com/user/lifein2011

This Year Will Be Different

2011-01-09T14:50:00.000-06:00

[lame excuses, apologies, promises to do better, blah blah blah]

Today's sermon was incredibly insightful. It was all about Joseph's character, with an emphasis at the end of how Joseph responded to temptation. I've realized that there are certain areas of temptation that are very easy for me to give in to. Mr. Prigge commented that our first reaction is to reason through the temptation and create an excuse for ourselves. I am so, so apt to do that. But this is such a wrong response! When Joseph was tempted he said "How could I do this great sin against God?" I want to have a love for God that trumps any temptation.

This year is shaping up to be a good one! I was bemoaning to a few friends of mine how I'm "stuck" here at home, but that's another wrong response! And it's not even entirely truthful. I've tricked myself into thinking what everyone else thinks I should be feeling: caged. But it's not true, it's not! I have so many more opportunities than most. I'm determined to be sure of my own mind this year. I'm determined to be confident in who God made me to be. Why do I pander to the crowd? Why do I laugh off my own emotions? Screw that. This is not to say that I'm going to stop making people happy, or purposefully try to be contrary. I like making people happy. But I'll do it not to gain their approval, but because it's good!

This year I'm going to like the things I like because I like them, not because people do or don't like them.

This year I'm going to seek out opportunities instead of waiting for them to appear.

This year I'm going to be confident in the fact that God's will isn't mysterious.

This year I will say no to superfluous things.

This year I will read good books.

This year I will choose to think and reason through, not ignore or escape.

This year I will be open and honest, and try hard to communicate clearly.

This year I will be kind, not merely nice.

This year I will try to think before I speak, and not speak at all when it isn't necessary.

This year I will have quiet assurance.

This year I will set goals and diligently try to accomplish them.

This year I will love openly.

This year I want to seek God with my whole heart. This year I want to be always listening for His voice. This year I want His words to always be on my heart. This year I want to never sin lightly. This year I will worship Him with all that I am. This year I will seek to glorify Him. This year I will try to understand what it means to love him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. This year I will open myself up fully to His love. This year I will not put down what He has created and declared good. This year I will cling to Him, for I am weak and He is strong. This year I will quickly repent and be forgiven. This year He will change me.

This year I will turn 20.

This year will be different.

Soli Deo Gloria.

Looking Back On 2010

2010-12-28T20:02:00.000-06:00

January - April: Haiti trip. It has been exactly a year since I was in Haiti, and I hope you don't think me melodramatic when I say I miss it desperately. I heard about River of Life Farm and began praying about whether or not I should work there. Chopped off my hair. Was part of the Crazy Love Bible Study group. :) Auditioned for Maranatha and didn't get in, but was invited to visit for awhile.Visited River of Life, decided it wasn't the place for me -- but it was beautiful! The 2010 Winter Olympics happened. Kaylin got incredibly sick, one of the scariest experiences of my life. But God was good, and she's completely better now. :) Found out I would be an aunt for the second time! The end of the Bible Study.

May-September: Went to Colorado and had a fantastic time. Welcomed Caspian the 11th. Started planning for VBS, Del-Haven and Ivy Bend. Had a wonderful time doing all of those things. Made a last minute but wonderful trip to Maranatha. Went to Worlds of Fun. Began working at church more often. Started reading some old classics, but the only ones I saw through were by Salinger. Started piano lessons. Went to a baseball game. Started teaching choir. Visited Hannah at her school.

October-December: Began Good News Club. Found out I'll be an aunt for the third time! Knocked out my two front teeth. God showed up, as He always will. Began and finished Buffy the Vampire Slayer within about a month. Took care of the house and Kaylin/Dad while my Mom was gone for two weeks. Got a writing job. Completed NaNoWriMo for the third time. Got my teeth fixed.

Oh, what a year! Next year will be even better.

Everything Comes Together

2010-12-17T23:35:00.000-06:00

This was in an email I just sent to Kari. It was so ridiculously long and such a summary of what God's been teaching me that I figured I'd share it here. :) Sorry for the stream-of-consciousness style, I hope it doesn't bother anyone.

God's been reminding me how quickly my ears deafen to His voice and my heart hardens to His instruction if I don't spend time with Him daily. I remember from Desiring God how John Piper talks about how one can never fully conquer sin until she's experienced God's holiness and....loveliness. I don't remember the exact quote. Then I was reading Francis Chan's book Forgotten God (finally, after reviewing it last month, haha) about how one can never, even learn everything about God, how we should never be content with how much we know of Him. After thinking over those things, I feel like I've grown complacent in my search for God -- not seeking Him with my whole heart. And not just that, but my prayer life has become too consumed with requests for myself -- asking for this and that...not bad things necessarily, but just focusing too much on myself and not others/God. All its done is facilitate self-obsession. Never healthy, haha. And then (gracious I didn't realize how much He's been teaching me) I've been frustrated with my judgmental spirit towards others. You'll laugh, but I was reading the 7th Harry Potter book today, and one of the characters (named Hagrid) is a half-giant who the main characters love, but most see as an "oaf", haha. He was doing something embarrassing, misinterpreting instructions...and it hit me that it could be either extremely annoying or endearing. The only factor that changes which emotions come is if you love the character/person. And even more in-depth than that example, I finished J.D. Salinger's book Franny and Zooey (it has a lot of adult material, but an oh-so-good message), and at the end (SPOILER ALERT, haha) the brother, Zooey, tells the actress Franny that all of these audience members who were annoying her with their "obnoxious laughter" (basically she didn't think they were smart enough or perceptive enough to understand it fully) were Christ. I'm over-simplifying a BEAUTIFUL novella, but it really hit home with me. Sometimes I can get a little obsessed with the quality of things (I hate on a lot of books, music, and movies if I don't deem them worthy *cringes*). This itself may not be a huge problem, but I realized that its carried over into inwardly criticizing people, or looking down on them for their lack of "taste"...which is wrong wrong wrong. So to put it all together -- I don't love God enough. I can't, if I'm having these attitudes. If I don't love my brother/sister, I don't love God (1 John). And to step back even further, the reason I don't love God enough is a combination of pride and lack of comprehension of his character.

One final thing: Melody reminded me today about JJ Heller. Here's a song that really spoke to me today. I know how music is, that I can't make you feel what I did while I listened, but give it a try. I think it's beautiful.

Be Here Now (A Melodramatic Entry)

2010-12-05T13:51:00.006-06:00

I'm sorry I've started a trend of posting songs at the beginning of my blog posts. I hope you don't mind!

Today in Sunday School we talked about the principle of sowing and reaping. There is so much I could say about this topic, but the one thing that stuck out to me was you are ALWAYS sowing, whether you recognize it or not. Either you are actively sowing spiritual/lasting seeds, or you are unknowingly sowing fleshly/destructive seeds. Both produce a crop that will be reaped, both will be more than you sowed, and both will later than you sowed. The difference is spiritual seeds take a conscious effort to sow, but fleshly seeds will spring up like weeds whether you want them to or not. It takes constant, deliberate tending if you want a "good crop."

Let's just say it hit home today.

I've had a...I don't even know how to put it, just a weekend. I know my love of all that is melodramatic taints my view of, well, the whole world, but I've felt like I can't breathe since Friday.

I wish I could tell you how this all relates, but it hasn't been resolved yet. I can't.

It's difficult to comprehend all the things I've learned in the past year. My whole being has changed, whether it's apparent or not. So many mindsets I've always unquestioningly accepted/rejected have been challenged.

I don't know why it seems like it's all culminated to produce this moment, but I suppose that's what every second is, isn't it? The intersection of what you believe and...LIFE.

Being 19 seems to mean wavering between the conclusion that I know everything, or conversely that I know nothing; accepting myself or rejecting it; loving humankind or loathing it; having hope or apathy for my future. It's all light and dark -- or worse: The Gray.

Morosely psychoanalyzing yourself is a classic trait of a 19-year-old, too. *scoffs at the predictability of self*

But I don't want to deny the existence of these thoughts or emotions, as if that would somehow magically make them disappear. Something that's trotted around after me for awhile now is the verse "Be angry, but sin not". Or the fact that Jesus wept, even when he knew that Lazarus would be raised from the dead.

Perhaps this is too brutally honest for a blog post that anyone in the world could see, but something in me is fatally afraid of letting people know that my world is NOT okay. I don't think it's just my problem, either. We're trained and tempered to stand bravely in the face of sadness/frailness, close our eyes and laugh until it goes away. What IS that?!

Today during the sermon I watched a little boy amuse himself as Pastor preached. I tried to get him to smile, making some sort of funny face. When he didn't I kept trying, but he never completely smiled. I can't quite describe why, but it sent me back to when, as a kid, I would try to do something special for a "grown-up" or teenager, just sure of what their reaction would be.

There's nothing quite as devastating as un-met assured expectations.

For example, you know the joy when you're just CERTAIN you've picked the PERFECT gift for someone, and their reaction is "Oh...this is nice! Thanks." It's crushing. If, however, you picked up a gift at the very last minute, stuffed it into a gift bag and handed it over, that reaction would be perfectly adequate.

Deepening this thought is a quote by C.S. Lewis:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

To love...hurts sometimes. Hoping brings the possibility of devastation. Trust can be broken.

But everything, everything, everything is risk. Living means acting despite the risk, ever mindful of the consequences.

But oh, dear friends, the "hollow in-between" hurts.

Persevere [to persist in anything undertaken; maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement; continue steadfastly.]

A Lull in My Life

2010-12-01T10:25:00.003-06:00

Yesterday and today have been so laid back and relaxing!

I finished NaNoWriMo & Buffy on Monday, and NovoInk assignments a few days before that, so the projects that kept me so busy in November suddenly were gone to reveal.........what's that thing again? OH YES, Free Time! (I watched The Little Mermaid over Thanksgiving -- it was much better than I remember!).

Today, for the first time in I-don't-know-how-long I woke up feeling...REFRESHED. Even the night before last I wasn't able to fall asleep until four, but LAST night, I think I was asleep before midnight! *shock and awe* Even more than that, I woke up in a good mood! haha. I'm not a morning person.

I made pancakes this morning!

Yesterday I bought some Christmas presents for myself FOR my mom...haha. Also, got a Target Checking card, which is another "OHEMGEE I'm growing up" moment.

Just re-evaluated whether or not it's important to keep this blog, hahaha. I rarely blog about anything important anymore, sorry guys. It's just nice to have a little *public journal* to keep track of where I am in my life.

It's so easy to forget how we thought when we were a certain age, you know? It's difficult to put myself back into my thirteen-year-old brain, to remember what made me happy, how I viewed the world, my family, my friends, my relationship with God -- but if I look back in my journal, it all comes flooding back. So this blog, organized so conveniently by date, will help me remember.

Soon, my life will pick back up. It's THE CHRISTMAS SEASON (so excited!), I'm expecting new NovoInk assignments soon, and I have all of my dental appointments to look forward to, haha. So things are going to pick up soon. For now, I have a lot of books I'd like to read, Lorna's ballet tomorrow, the hospital, etc etc etc. :)

I was a little crushed to hear that I won't have my teeth capped until December 20th...which means I'll have a lisp if I sing for Christmas Music Night........*facepalm* Don't know what I'm going to do about that.

Let's see, is there anything else to discuss?

The latest Harry Potter was the first I saw in theaters, and let me just say -- AMAZING. Loved it. Of course they left out things and got some things wrong, but on the whole it = love. :)

Okay, enough rambling.

Love to you all for reading these scattered thoughts. :)

Oh, Man is a Giddy Thing.

2010-11-27T22:13:00.003-06:00

Watch it.

Also, every other song Mumford & Sons has WITH THE EXCEPTION OF Little Lion Man. It saddened me. Don't watch it.

Awake My Soul.

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes.

Too Much Coffee; Not Enough Writing

2010-11-26T21:37:00.003-06:00

I am sleepy, gentle readers.

I am sleepy and my stomach is full and everything is unpacked from my Thanksgiving trip.

I am sleepy, but my mind is going a thousand miles and hour because I mistakenly thought that coffee = more writing for NaNoWriMo.

Sure, I reached 40,000 words today, but that still leaves me with 10,000 words to write in 4 days. *muppet flailing arms*

I had a wonderful time with my great-grandma and family! In fact, this whole trip made me appreciate my family more -- those who were there and those who weren't.

Also, for the first time in years, I didn't sleep at all during the drive there or back! It's a Thanksgiving miracle, Charlie Brown!

(Yes I am very tired. I am sorry.)

Would you like to read some tweets from my trip? FANTASTIC. Then I shall leave you to go to (as Maureen Johnson calls it) my chamber of dreams.

Woman at nursing home; “OH, her head looks just like a balloon!”
Mom: Ed, come look at this email from work. What is that picture? Dad: (very seriously) Oh, that's Harry Potter's spaceship. Me: ...WHAT?!
Kaylin: Why can't we write more Narnias? Me: CS Lewis wouldn't like it! Kaylin: BUT HE'S DEAD!!! Me: *speechless*
Thanksgiving was amazing, I love my family so much. My Grandma is the sweetest on earth! I miss my sisters, bro's-in-law and nephews, tho!
Grandma let me make coffee this morning and made me eat a brownie with it. :) #bestgrandmaever
Grandma asked if I’d watched the new HP7. I eagerly told her I had. I don’t know why I ever thought she’d be against it. #bestgrandmaever
Grandma told me a story about how, in 8th grade, she played Martha W in a play, and the boy she “was really sweet on” played George W.
WAIT! One more thing. After the Zoo, Kaylin and I talked like Yoda for a full hour, hahaha. It was amazing. #bestfamilyever
...or should I have said, family best ever is? #lastoneipromise #goodnight

Well, Mel did it, sooo...

2010-11-24T22:45:00.002-06:00

the one’s I’ve read

the one’s I started and never finished

the one’s I intend to read within the next 365 days

1 Pride and Prejudice- Jane Austen

2 The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte

4 Harry Potter series – JK Rowling (all)

5 To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee

6 The Bible

7 Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte

8 Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations – Charles Dickens

11 Little Women – Louisa M Alcott

12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 – Joseph Heller

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare

15 Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks

18 Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger

19 The Time Traveller’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch – George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald

23 Bleak House – Charles Dickens

24 War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy

25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams

26 Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh

27 Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28 Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield – Charles Dickens

33 Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis

34 Emma – Jane Austen

35 Persuasion – Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis

37 The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Berniere

39 Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne

41 Animal Farm – George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving

45 The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies – William Golding

50 Atonement – Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi – Yann Martel

52 Dune – Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens

58 Brave New World – Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck

62 Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History – Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold

65 Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road – Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick – Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens

72 Dracula – Bram Stoker

73 The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett

74 Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses – James Joyce

76 The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath

77 Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal – Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession – AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple – Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte’s Web – EB White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks

94 Watership Down – Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet – William Shakespeare

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

My reading list: Pride and Prejudice, The Time Traveler's Wife, Persuasion. :)

PROcrastination

2010-11-05T20:27:00.003-05:00

Shouldn't it be CONcrastination? Or...something?

Obviously I am suffering from a creative block, if those are the things I'm writing about.

But yes, as the title of this blog states, I am procrastinating, because I foolishly didn't plan for NaNoWriMo. After arrogantly boasting at the write-in that I had stopped writing for a week in 08 and still finishing on time, I am agonizingly 3,000 words behind at this present moment. I have zero motivation to write.

It doesn't help that I'm playing Mom for a few weeks, keeping the house going...so there are plenty of interesting and "worthy" things that I could be doing instead of growing my wordcount (there are several ideas in there that scream "screwed-up priorities").

So let's think of interesting, distracting topics. Hmmm.

Today I heard from an old friend I didn't think remembered I existed. It was quite the pleasant surprise!

At AWANA, one of the kids told me my chipped tooth was sharp enough to pop a balloon! Haha!

On that note, I'm getting used to my...interesting...appearance, and really not caring about it anymore, hah. It took a few public outings, and I still don't speak unless necessary, but I figure that's anything but a con!

Just gave Caspian his first shampoo and blow dry! It makes me miss the days we would give KC his baths...ohhh the crying. If you've never heard it, wet cats sound remarkably like wailing babies. And speaking of cats...I'm really wanting to get my own. As soon as I have a more steady income I'm going to convince my parents (here's hoping) to let me buy a kitten. :) I've never had my own pet! How sad is that?

I miss many, many people now, and am excited to see some of them at Thanksgiving!

Oh! Here's a story. I was browsing the sales at JC Penny's yesterday, searching in vain for something wearable, when a voice suddenly rose above the general din. A woman started cussing out this innocent sale's lady, for no reason! All the saleslady did was try to help this woman (who was loudly talking on the phone) find something, and the woman just WENT OFF on her. I cowardly remained neutral during the one-sided argument, but after the crazy woman left, I rushed over to the salesgirl and gave her a hug -- that's how bad it was. Sometimes I just can't believe humanity.

Ok, enough procrastinating. I have so many things left to do tonight, and only a few hours to do them.

So, HAPPY LIVING. Or some other hopeful and inspiring battle cry like that. Whatever floats your boat!

And After the Storm...

2010-10-25T19:29:00.005-05:00

"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there,With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."

Music keeps me broke, you know?

Also, this is on the internet:

Oh and this:

One Foot Off the Ground

2010-10-23T16:25:00.002-05:00

Today I listened to a sermon by Beau Hughes called "Living With One Foot Raised". He explained how we should have a heavenly mindset, live in such a way that we're already halfway off the ground when Christ calls us home.

There was one thing that really stuck out to me. You know how you hear people say "I'm so excited for Christ to return, but I hope He doesn't until...___" and then fill the blank in with a personal dream or goal? Well Pastor Hughes said this phrase is a key to discerning whether or not you have an idol.

It makes perfect sense. If there's something we would prefer more than Jesus returning, there's a problem.

He also reminded me of a quote by John Piper, which I read in Frances Chan's book Crazy Love, and I paraphrase: if you could have all the benefits of heaven, but Jesus wasn't there...would you want to go?

...am I happy about all the blessings God gives me, but not with the God who gives them to me? Are his gifts my idols?

The greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind. The first commandment God gave Moses was to have no other idols before Him. I think it was Pastor the said the other day, that the statement doesn't mean that we should put God first before any other idols, it means we should have any idols in His presence. That was such a game changer for me. If anything, anything is competing with my affection for God, there's a problem.

Just some food for thought, I guess.

God has been faithful through this whole "knocking my front teeth out" thing. My dentist said he's going to try his best to get them fixed by Christmas -- which gives "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth" a whole new emotional meaning for me. :)

Yesterday was the first time I was around a lot of people since the accident, a sort of dry run for tomorrow if you will, and it went alright! It was Kaylin's birthday party, and Karsen was invited, so Adeana came over and we watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer together -- another addicting show to add to my list. :P Anyway, everyone was understanding and encouraging.

I can't overplay how wonderful my friends and family were this past week! Their love, prayers, cards and gifts have been almost overwhelming! It's remarkably humbling, knowing you're so loved. I don't feel worthy of it, really, especially since the accident wasn't really that big of a deal to me. Believe me when I say it looked and sounded much worse than it ever was. Yeah, it was a hassle and expensive, but really -- not that big of a deal.

Yesterday and today have felt almost normal -- up and about, playing piano, washing dishes, cleaning my room, doing "normal" things -- it's been so nice.

On a side note, "nice" has such a derogatory meaning now, don't you think? It's almost like "fine". But according to Merriam-Webster it means "pleasing or agreeable". That's...nice, right?

Oh dear, rambling. That's the official sign I need to stop writing. Thanks for reading, friends. :)

Romans 8:18 "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us."

Everyone Must Breathe Until Their Final Breath

2010-10-14T13:52:00.000-05:00

It's October. Did anyone tell you? And you know what that means. That means it's officially Autumn.

I'm sorry if my updating every day gets tiresome, but I've been told over and over again that I'm supposed to write every day. So...here I am. Don't misunderstand, this by no means suggests that I'll actually update every day, but if it happens occasionally I hope you aren't annoyed.

I ran across a quote I think I've copied in this blog before, but I love it -- "The real meaning of eternal life is a life that can face anything it has to face without wavering. If we will take this view, life will become one great romance— a glorious opportunity of seeing wonderful things all the time."

Today I cleaned, reorganized, and decluttered my room. It was a monstrous task, but I'm so glad I did it. It's how I want it now, it's perfect. I've talked about how sometimes I just have to completely rehaul my room in order to feel...settled.

Ok now I'm just babbling.

I'd Like You To Meet Sufjan. Say Hello!

2010-10-14T00:08:00.000-05:00

Hey! Guess What! I'm BACK! :)

2010-10-13T15:09:00.001-05:00

Hello.

I don't even have anything to say. Just wanted to say "Hey, I'm back, hows it goin".

I decided blogger's great. I like blogger. We've had some good times in the past, and so here I am, back again.

Oh, little update on the GNC -- God showed up in big ways -- a girl accepted Christ in one of the grades, and I really had fun with the girls in my grade. It's much more relaxed, which is such a relief for me. I'd initially stopped teaching because of how stressful the standards were -- but now I'm loving it!

Also, I got to take a much needed walk with Jessica last night. It's beautiful to walk from her house to Longview at night. The roads are nearly empty, the street lamps glow warmly, and the bells from the chapel ring. It was wonderful.

I Wish For Each Day

2010-10-11T09:02:00.000-05:00

...to be better than the day before.

Yesterday I tried to explain to the new guy, Tom, what it is that I...do. I began to tell him that I wasn't in college, and then I just sort of stopped trying. It's too hard to explain without babbling on about how I actually am busy, and am doing constructive things with my time. Why should I care what the new guy thinks of me? If he wishes to assume I'm "a woman of leisure", so be it.

I'm sure you're as tired of hearing things like that as I am of telling them, so let's move on.

Today I read John 21, and was really curious about the whole "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you?". For some reason I hadn't even remembered that conversation existed, and the child in me was giddy upon reading it. Sure, that doesn't necessarily mean at all that John is still alive...but just the fact that Jesus said that...made me happy. A little part of me still longs for the fairy tales and fantasy world of Narnia or Harry Potter. I still love the idea of inexplicable things and worlds and magic.

Oh, also, the end of John is so wonderful: "25 Now there are also many other things that Jesus did. Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written." Isn't it so easy to think we know everything Jesus did? But no, the amazing things he accomplished on Earth could never be exhaustively recorded.

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

In about 20 minutes I'm headed off to Burke for the first day of Good News Club. I'm trying to remind myself of all the times I've dreaded something and then enjoyed it, but it's not helping a whole lot. I know I'm apt to exaggerate my problems in my head, but still it doesn't change my attitude. In fact, a lot of the things I'm doing have begun to lose their...shine. I hope it doesn't stay like this. Hopefully I'm just going through an enthusiasm dry patch, and things will change soon.

Well, I have no way of wrapping this up, only that I have to go. Until next time, keep each other safe, keep faith, goodnight. ;)

Out of Context.

2010-10-08T09:09:00.001-05:00

"These fellow-mortals, every one, must be accepted as they are: you can neither straighten their noses, nor brighten their wit, nor rectify their dispositions..."

"For the first time in several minutes, I glanced around at the tiny elderly man with the unlighted cigar. The delay didn't seem to affect him. His standard of comportment for sitting in the rear seat of cars - cars in motion, cars stationary, and even, one couldn't help imagining, cars that were driven off bridges into rivers - seemed to be fixed. It was wonderfully simple. You just sat very erect, maintaining a clearance of four or five inches between your top hat and the roof, and you stared ferociously ahead at the windshield. If Death - who was out there all the time, possibly sitting on the hood - if Death stepped miraculously through the glass and came in after you, in all probability you just got up and went along with him, ferociously but quietly."

"You know that song 'If a body catch a body comin' through the rye'? I'd like — "
"It's 'If a body meet a body coming through the rye'!" old Phoebe said. "It's a poem. By Robert Burns."
"I know it's a poem by Robert Burns."
She was right, though. It is "If a body meet a body coming through the rye." I didn't know it then, though.
"I thought it was 'If a body catch a body,'" I said. "Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around — nobody big, I mean — except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff — I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy."

"I don't know. Poets are always taking the weather so personally. They're always sticking their emotions in things that have no emotions"

Delighted. Poetry.

Bananafish.

Quick Story:

2010-10-07T10:11:00.000-05:00

Last night, in the middle of Awana, Brandon came to me, a grave expression on his 7 year old face. He leaned over and whispered in my ear, "I have a secret. But you have to PROMISE me you won't tell anyone. PROMISE."

I nodded, a little worried. You never knew what this kid was going to say. He has a little problem with discretion, so I was doubly concerned over this, something he was taking care to let no one else overhear.

He hesitated then sadly whispered, "I don't know how to dance! But DON'T TELL ANYONE!" Agony scrunched his face together.

It was ALL I could do not to laugh outright, and even then there was glee in my voice that I couldn't hide as I tried to console him.

It probably sounds like I'm not trustworthy with secrets now, but as he told everyone else a few moments later, I think I'm safe in breaking my promise. :)

Lazy Wednesday Afternoon

2010-09-15T11:13:00.000-05:00

EDIT: [I was talking to Hannah about this post, and she was so confused as to why it was such a great day...and to be honest, I can't explain it! So I guess this post is mostly for my own fading memories -- for whatever reason I have happiness associated to this day, and it's nice to look back on it. :) ]

I don't know how much I talked about my Wednesday in Marantha last month (to the - stormy - day), but...it was probably my favorite day.

It was wonderful.

We woke up early for practice, and shuffled silently through the mist to the Tabernacle. Since it was severely early (ok, 6:55), we girls (Vienna, Cami and I) were in our pajamas, with little to no makeup on. Collin and Alex had beat us there, and were stretched out on the stage step and a pew, respectively. One of them (I think it was Collin) was wrapped in a yellow blanket with a soccer ball pattern.

No one really said a whole lot...we were just waiting for Josh, who was leading the worship that night, to arrive. Collin muttered from the step, voice slightly muffled from under his hoodie, "I bet you anything he's still asleep."

To make a long story short, he was. In his defense, Josh and his phone had been thrown in the pool the night before, and the phone didn't recover as well as he'd hoped, so his alarm didn't go off.

We plodded our way through the practice, morning voices and all. Everyone was happy, though, in a groggy sort of way. Though I didn't know half of the songs we would sing/play that night, I really began to love them. The theme of the night would be Jesus' blood and sacrifice -- we sang Jesus Messiah, Jesus' Blood, Jesus Paid it All, and at the end, The Stand.

"Oh no," Cami groaned as we wrapped up and headed toward the doors. "It's pouring now." We all looked in different directions out the screened windows and doors.

"You know what, I'm just going to go back to sleep." Vienna said, and Josh agreed.

"I think I'm going to go get breakfast first." Cami said, and looked at me. "You want to come?"

I nodded and we steeled ourselves for the run to the dining hall.

"Okay, ready?" Alex asked.

We all grinned at each other, and Collin shouted "GO!"

Cami and I fell behind the boys, screaming every once in awhile when we stepped in an unforeseen puddle.

Collin opened the door for us with a flourish, and we stepped into the air-conditioned building, shivering.

Cami got back to the table first, and Alex and Collin swiftly sat on either side. I grinned at her as she cast bemused and slightly concerned glance at each of them in succession.

"So, Cami." Collin began. "How about once we get back to Lebanon you cuddle with Alex and I and take a nap."

Cami stared at him, disgusted, and then she and I exchanged amused looks. "No." She said firmly.

"Oh c'mon." said Alex, sipping his coffee with a distinguished air. "You know you want to."

"Yeah. Your words say no, but your body language says yes." Collin adds, one eyebrow raised.

Cami is utterly disgusted, but still laughing. "Collin, you're 17! I'm seven years older than you. It would be illegal for me to date you.

I can tell that both Alex and Collin are loving how uncomfortable they're making Cami, so they carry on. "So what you're saying is you'll wait for me!" Collin looks delighted.

"Oh that's so sweet!" Alex exclaims, mock seriously.

"No!" Cami laughs, eyes screwed shut, mouth both frowning in disbelief and smiling at the corners from the absurdity.

When breakfast was over, we raced back to Lebanon. Though we all said we would go right to sleep, a couple people decided to watch Two Towers, and no one else wanted to miss it (we are such nerds, haha). I grabbed my blanket and pillow, and we each picked spots to watch. We snuggled (SEPARATELY, haha) on the couches and beanbag chairs.

About half-way through, Gary came in. "You guys are watching Two Towers without me?!" This was a running joke, since there was always at least one person, it seemed, who wasn't there when we watched either LotR or LOST.

"Sorry," several of us mumbled, not paying him too much attention. He grabbed whatever he'd needed from his room, and went back to attend to his Teen duties.

I was horizontal on the couch, and at some point I drifted off. I woke up when one of the battles started, however.

"Oh, look, she's awake again!" Josh said a few minutes after I'd refocused on the movie.

"Oh, you noticed that..." I said, hoping I hadn't been snoring or something. I wasn't brave enough to ask if I had, though.

When we finished the first disc of the extended edition (yes, yes, nerds), no one moved to put the next DVD in. It was quiet for a minute, sounds of the rain drifting in from the open windows.

"Nap time!" Collin said, breaking the silence.

Everyone happily agreed.

I can't tell you how wonderful it was. It was...perfect. A cool breeze, a warm blanket, rain lulling you to sleep.

About an hour later I woke up to Jarod coming in. "Whoa." he said, and my eyes slowly opened. "Is it nap time in here?"

"Yeah," Gary replied from the wall behind the couch I sat on, clacking away on his laptop. "I came in awhile ago and they were all knocked out. It's the music staff, and they all had to wake up early because of Women's Breakaway."

"Gotcha." Jarod said.

Everyone slowly sat up and looked around. I sat up, yawning, and noticed the sun had come out.

"You know, there's a whole bunch of box lunches leftover, and they're going to go bad. They need someone to eat them, so if you guys just go pick some up, you can have 'em."

To our delight, a younger guy, I can't remember his name, went with Alex (or maybe Collin...or both? I can't remember) and picked up the lunches for us. We basically stuffed ourselves.

"This has been the perfect rainy day." Cami said, summing the morning up perfectly from the beanbag behind me. "I feel so lazy, but it's wonderful."

:)

The rest of the day was awesome, too. While half of the group went on a ride in a small airplane, I had my devotion on the beach. The night of worship was just wonderful, and the message was the sketchy pastor's best. We had a devotion that night, led by Charly, and ended the night perfectly with LOST.

It was so wonderful.

...I miss all of them so much.

Today is a New Day

2010-09-13T11:36:00.000-05:00

"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning, great is your fathfulness!" Lamentations 3:22-23

God loves, even when we hate.

God is merciful, when we are bitter.

Great is His faithfulness!

Hebrews 12 - Our God is a Consuming Fire

2010-09-08T11:04:00.000-05:00

Oh, read it, dear ones. It's so encouraging.

Hebrews 12

Jesus, Founder and Perfecter of Our Faith

¹Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and^(A) sin which clings so closely, and^(B) let us run^(C) with endurance the race that is^(D) set before us, ²looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith,^(E) who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising^(F) the shame, and^(G) is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
Do Not Grow Weary

³^(H) Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or^(I) fainthearted. ⁴In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. ⁵And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

^(J) “My son,^(K) do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
⁶For^(L) the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives.”⁷It is for discipline that you have to endure.^(M) God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? ⁸If you are left without discipline,^(N) in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. ⁹Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to^(O) the Father of spirits^(P) and live? ¹⁰For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good,^(Q) that we may share his holiness. ¹¹^(R) For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields^(S) the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

¹²Therefore^(T) lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, ¹³and^(U) make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint^(V) but rather be healed. ¹⁴^(W) Strive for peace with everyone, and for the^(X) holiness^(Y) without which no one will see the Lord. ¹⁵See to it that no one^(Z) fails to obtain the grace of God; that no^(AA) “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; ¹⁶that no one is^(AB) sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal. ¹⁷For you know that^(AC) afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears.
A Kingdom That Cannot Be Shaken

¹⁸For you have not come to^(AD) what may be touched, a blazing fire and darkness and gloom and a tempest ¹⁹and^(AE) the sound of a trumpet and a voice whose words^(AF) made the hearers beg that no further messages be spoken to them. ²⁰For they could not endure the order that was given,^(AG) “If even a beast touches the mountain, it shall be stoned.” ²¹Indeed,^(AH) so terrifying was the sight that Moses said, “I tremble with fear.” ²²But you have come to^(AI) Mount Zion and to the city of the living God,^(AJ) the heavenly Jerusalem, and to^(AK) innumerable angels in festal gathering, ²³and to^(AL) the assembly^[a] of the firstborn who are^(AM) enrolled in heaven, and to^(AN) God, the judge of all, and to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, ²⁴and to Jesus,^(AO) the mediator of a new covenant, and to^(AP) the sprinkled blood^(AQ) that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.²⁵See that you do not refuse him who is speaking. For^(AR) if they did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, much less will we escape if we reject him who warns from heaven. ²⁶At that time^(AS) his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised,^(AT) “Yet once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.” ²⁷This phrase, “Yet once more,” indicates^(AU) the removal of things that are shaken—that is, things that have been made—in order that the things that cannot be shaken may remain. ²⁸Therefore let us be grateful for receiving^(AV) a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus^(AW) let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, ²⁹for our^(AX) God is a consuming fire.

...how can you not be changed after reading that?

Top 10 Favorite Albums

2010-09-06T20:05:00.000-05:00

I was inspired by a bit of Facebook stalking to write a blog about my favorite 10 albums. I'm not giving this a whole lot of thought, if I'm honest...but I've found that sometimes I operate better on instincts....plus it's late at night and I can't sleep and I want to write. So.

10. The Beautiful Letdown - Switchfoot

One of the first "rock-y" albums I ever truly liked. I remember feeling really hesitant about listening to it on my stereo, as my parents wouldn't have really liked it, so I used my CD Walkman. Yes, my Walkman. It was much later down the road when I got my first....mp3 player (no, it wasn't an iPod). I remember, recognizing how truly brilliant the album was, though, even when I was...oh, 14 or so.
Favorite tracks: The Beautiful Letdown, On Fire, Twenty-Four

9. Listen - Michelle Tumes

An odd choice, maybe, but I love this album. It instantly takes me back to a much, much simpler time of my life. The first time I heard Listen, the title track, I was maybe 10. It was on KLJC, back when I wasn't really allowed to listen to it, but Kristin had it on anyway (haha, sorry darling, wasn't trying to rat you out, it's just part of the story). I can't remember if she liked it or not, but I remember it wouldn't get out of my head. Then I heard Life is Beautiful, and my overly melodramatic 10 year old mind clung to it. I loved the little reveal at the end "And I'm still singing...". I thought it was clever.
Favorite Tracks: Listen, Healing Waters, Heaven Will Be Near Me, He's Watching Over You

8. Run The Earth, Watch the Sky - Chris Rice

Another childhood album -- Kari loved Chris Rice, and I wanted so desperately to be like my older sisters...even if I wouldn't have admitted it at the time. Kari waited a long time for it to come in at the library, and I remember we came home -- with several bags of books, I'm sure, and we put it on our stereo. We'd heard the title track song before, and I remember we sang along with the parts we could remember enthusiastically. Chris Rice was the first artist that I really connected with, the first artist I actually wanted to listen to. Before him, music was something we did at church, and fun songs like Veggie Tales. It wasn't really something that was recreational. I got all of his CD's from the library, though, and listened to them over and over.
Favorite Tracks: All of them. Seriously.

7. Why Should the Fire Die - Nickel Creek

Nickel Creek, like Chris Rice, is never bad -- there are just simply some songs I like more than others. Why Should the Fire Die has the most of my favorites. I should mention that Melody was the first one to introduce me to this band, and The Fox (a song that isn't on this album! Darn!) was pretty much our Haiti theme song. Also, when we were 15 or so, we assigned songs (by the lottery of "the shuffle") to the boys we said we loved at the time. Oh, gracious. What did I know about love then. What do I know about love, now? The songs, if you're curious, were Scotch & Chocolate and Stumptown. The boys will remain nameless.
Favorite Tracks: Jealous of the Moon, Anthony, Why Should the Fire Die, Doubting Thomas, Somebody More Like You

6. Pride and Prejudice Soundtrack - Dario Marianelli

This is another CD that was introduced to me by Melody -- and I remember that one of my favorite songs on the whole album, The Secret Life of Daydreams drove me crazy the first time I listened to it. I truly really hated it, haha. It's a trend I've noticed recently, though; sometimes my favorite kinds of music are like an acquired taste -- I'll be introduced to them, hate them, but they'll sit and take root in my mind, until when I stumble across them again in the future...I love them. I think that was some sad form of mixing metaphors, but we'll carry on. I have listened to this CD over and over and over again, and I will never get sick of it. Dario's composition and Jean's piano playing (I use their first names with the deepest respect, please understand that it's only because they have particularly un-spell-able last names) combine in this thing of beauty that, when I heard it, I felt like I'd been waiting for it. It's possible that it should be higher up on my list, but really, all of these albums are so close, there's no clear number one.
Favorite Tracks: Dawn, Liz On Top of the World, Darcy's Letter, The Secret Life of Daydreams, Credits

5. Only With Laughter Can You Win - Rosie Thomas

Like with Nickel Creek and Pride and Prejudice, Rosie Thomas was an acquired taste. I positively hated her when I first heard her, and now I feel like she and I are dear friends. There is so much about her as a person and her songs that I relate to. It was impossible to pick my favorite album, as she -- like Nickel Creek and Chris Rice -- has never written a bad song. I do have a favorite song, though, Let Myself Fall. It is...well, as Buddy Glass would say, Poetry. In so many ways. So this is the album that surrounds that song, and that is why I choose it.
Favorite Tracks: Let Myself Fall, Gradually

4. Fiction Family - Fiction Family

This is the first album (of several, I'm afraid) that I bought impulsively, after only listening to a few snippets of songs. Paul Winfield wrote in his status something about Switchfoot and Nickel Creek collaborating, and I about had a conniption, I was so eager to buy this combination of genius. I wasn't disappointed. It's...so different. It's unique. It's special. It's altogether itself, and each song is a jewel. Buy it.
Favorite Tracks: All of them. Every single one.

3. Bomb in a Birdcage - A Fine Frenzy

Ali is her music, and her music is beautiful. She crafts her lyrics, and every word is sincere. Her sound is unique, and her songs specific but oh-so relate-able! Her happy songs positively glow, and her sad songs break your heart. I've stayed away from her recently. I was listening to her almost non-stop, and I didn't want to....well....how do I explain it...over-stay my welcome.
Favorite Tracks: What I Wouldn't Do, Electric Twist, Happier, Swan Song, Elements, Bird of the Summer, Stood Up, The Beacon

2. Counting Stars - Andrew Peterson

Melody, you have shared so much good music with me. I'm almost sure I discovered Andrew Peterson on my own. I heard Holy is the Lord and was in awe of it, and I later loved After the Last Tear Falls, but Melody told me that he had a new album out, Counting Stars. It is...genius. He is genius. I just....wow. If I can be a lyricist and musician like him someday, I'll be absolutely blissful.
Favorite Tracks: Many Roads, Dancing in the Minefields, World Traveler, Fool with a Fancy Guitar, You Came So Close, The Reckoning

1. Ellipse - Imogen Heap

Oh, Immi. I sort of fawn over her. She's so extraordinarily herself, so brilliant in what she does, so brutally honest, so mature in her songwriting...so...amazing. She does everything herself - recording, editing, songwriting, etc. She lives in a big old house in England...she's just. My. I don't know. I suppose it sounds like I just want to be her, but actually, she simply inspires me to be myself. Wholly who God created me to be. I almost felt like I was a part of this album. I watched the vlogs she made during the album-writing process, so when it finally came out I was ecstatic. Never before had a single CD meant so much to me -- the order of the songs, the high note right there, the trouble she'd had with the lyrics there, the story behind that one, and oh-my-that-song-changed-so-much-since-the-first-time-she-played-us-a-clip. Even though there are several songs I don't particularly care for, I appreciate all of them so very much. I understand the effort and the tears and the joy that went into making every one of those tracks, and I love her and her music for it.
Favorite Tracks: First Train Home, Wait it Out, The Fire, Half Life

Well. There you have it. That took quite a long time to write, and I am sufficiently exhausted enough to sleep now, at 2am in the morning.

Someday, SOMEDAY, I will straighten my sleeping habits out. For now, it seems like the schedule is staunchly in my subconscious, determined to do what it likes.

Dear reader, thank you for reading, even when I am frightfully self-indulgent.

It Comes and Goes in Waves.

2010-09-05T09:36:00.000-05:00

Ok.

Fine.

I am going to resort to being a 13 year old girl who has a diary thinly disguised as a blog and talk about...a boy.

Yes, just one single, solitary boy.

Just for a second, please? Just indulge me, so I can get it out of my system?

He's unlike anyone else. He's unintentionally prompted me to change for the better and sent me running to God because he himself is so devoted to God. He's raised the bar for any future guys.

I know that I can't be with him, that he doesn't share the same admiration for me.

So why the heck can't I get him out of my head?!?

BEDA #31

2010-08-31T11:43:00.000-05:00

It's not like I'm going to stop blogging once August is over...so why do I feel a little sad about BEDA finishing?

Right now, I haven't even gotten out of bed yet -- it's about 8:30...which is much better than yesterday...when I didn't get up till 10:30....yeah...

Tonight I have a piano lesson, and I wish I felt more prepared. The way these lessons work, there's not just a few piano pieces I practice and then play for her, it's a work in progress. I like to feel like I'm achieving something, so this is a little frustrating for me. Plus, I want to know that I did what I was supposed to. I feel like I practiced a lot, but what if it's not as much as I need to in order to achieve my goal? I have no way to gauge it.

------

I have been practicing piano chords for approximately an hour and I can hardly see straight. To reiterate what I was saying before, it kills me to have so many things to tackle that none of them can be completed in a set amount of time (in this case, one week). So now I sit, banging my head against my keyboard because I CANNOT for the LIFE of me complete the A-flat through B root chords and their inversions without messing up, and I've ended up completely ignoring the major and minor sevenths.

*dramatic sigh*

This must be remedied. I've got to figure out a way to either change the way my brain works, or figure out a way to set achievable goals so that my brain is happy.

------

Just got back from running errands and signing up for a debit card! Yay! It comes in the mail in about 2 weeks. I'M EXCITED. I've been meaning to get one for QUITE awhile now, and it feels like the next right step in my "adult banking experience". haha.

------

Fashion: A social phenomenon in which random people create new ways of putting fabric together to make clothes and pay attractive people model them, resulting in the lay people desiring and buying said clothes.

------

Well, I guess this is goodbye for now. I'll probably take a little hiatus from blogging so I don't burn out. Haha.

Until. (Robin Jones Gunn! :) )

BEDA #30

2010-08-30T10:59:00.000-05:00

Second to last day of BEDA. Hmm. I can't decide if I'm going to miss it or not.

Today has been productive, even though I slept in quite a bit. I had a monstrous to-do list, and have gotten almost everything done!

Tonight I'm going to the baseball game with the fam, which should be fun. I guess the last time I went was with the TT and GOG people, over a year ago. I'm not the biggest of baseball fans to be honest. It's just so....LONG. And usually quite boring. And it doesn't help that the Royals are so bad. Oh well, it should still be a fun time with my family, and it has been awhile since we've spent time together.

Oh gracious, I have no idea what to write. I've been staring at the screen for quite awhile now, and nothing is coming. You know what? I'm just going to put in some YouTube videos to fill up the space and call it a day. K? Thanks.

BEDA #29

2010-08-29T16:39:00.000-05:00

Oh, right. I'm doing that Blog Every Day August thing...which means I have to blog today at *checks clock* 10:29 at night.

Tonight's sermon/service on suffering was amazing. There were songs in between the sermon, emphasizing each point, and it was just...amazing. I loved it so much.

Also, I took a long nap this afternoon, then read at church while the 'rents were in Hannah Ministry Time Thingy, which was sweet.

Talked to Mel, Jake, and Michael about the randomest things, which always makes me happy. :)

This morning I had an interesting conversation with someone I've never really talked to...maybe I'll disclose more information about that later, ahah.

Had two little mini-crises (is that the plural of crisis? wikipedia says yes...but...well, you know) today as well...and last night, too. It was whatev, to borrow a phrase from Becky.

Missing Maranatha people today. I was telling Jessica that I can sense we won't keep in touch -- which is a little sad. But hey, people come into your life for different reasons, and it's ok not to stay in contact with everyone...right?

I need to make another RTBH list...

Snow. (...please come quickly)

The Great Gatsby

Jackets, sweaters

Vanilla-scented candles

Pillows

Checks that feature numbers significantly higher than expected :)

Naps

Songs worthy of being put on repeat

Twitter, even when it entices to grumble more than appropriate

I need to go to bed now.

Until tomottow.....oh my goodness yes, I really did accidentally just type that.

Good night.

BEDA #28

2010-08-28T15:22:00.000-05:00

I am at a complete loss as to what to write today.

Have you ever spent some time with someone, but not gotten to know them as much as you wish you could, and so you take the traits of a real or fictional person who has similar qualities, and transpose them onto the first person?

...I doubt that made any sense, and if it did, I'm probably the only one who would do it. I think I'll move on.

RTBH:

Good books still unread

Friends who look past a myriad of faults

Years of happy times ahead, God willing ("It's only a person of weak character who chooses to always be unhappy")

Beautiful chords that I'd never played until today, thanks to piano lessons

Prose that isn't precocious or ridiculous, just beautiful

The anti-shadow of headlight beams before a car appears

Washing/drying dishes at night to jazz

Doughnuts this morning...emphasis on the plurality of that word, haha

...piano solos by Stacey Kent's piano player

Smiling even when you don't want to...because it actually does make you feel better

The knowledge that I'll see Hannah tomorrow!! YAY!

God is smarter, wiser, and infinitely more good than I

BEDA #27

2010-08-27T11:02:00.001-05:00

I have finally replaced the Bible I've had since 2005...with a Bible I've had since 2007. I wasn't altogether willing to replace it, but seeing as it was being held together with tape, books in the back were falling out........and the fact that I spilled hot coco on it last night, I figured it was time.

It's for the best, I'm sure. I mean, I used to underline everything, and highlight it in garish colors. It's a little embarrassing. It's nice to start fresh....but I also dislike it. I knew where everything was in my old Bible. In fact, if I set it on it's binding and let it open to where it wanted, it would easily fall to one of my favorite passages. I'll miss that.

I finished watching Emma with my mom today. I really like how Emma's character changes so much for the better. True, she's not perfect in the end, but at the beginning she's almost detestable. By the end she's humbled and much more kind. And Mr. Knightly is a wonderful hero. He, too, has his faults, but is mostly virtuous.

There was a discussion on facebook about how romance novels were to be avoided, because it gives us false hope for the future. There were several people who said that these novels gave too high of expectations. Maybe they're reading different books than I am -- and if they're referring to the likes of Twilight, then I agree: but something like Emma gives a fairly good portrayal of a relationship, I think. Alright, sure, I admit that she ends up with a rich, attractive husband...but she's not perfect, and neither is he. They have parents' and friends' approval. They both grow for the better through the story, in part because of each others' influence. ...right? I don't see why that is giving false expectations. Or, at least, not for a critical reader. Sure, if you're the silly sort of girl who reads and expects that now a rich "sparkling" man should come sweep you off your feet, then you're mistaken, but I like these stories.

Besides, let's look at the romances in the Bible! Isaac and Rebecca, for example -- Rebecca trusts a servant's word and goes to marry this unknown man who just happens to turn out to be rich and handsome man! Or Solomon and (presumably) his first wife, depicted in the Song of Solomon -- not every man is going to be so...lavish and poetic in his praise, ahaha. And Ruth? She went to Boaz (a rich older man!!) in the middle of the night (!!) and LAY AT HIS FEET to show that she wanted him to be her kinsman redeemer! And Esther? Who took a year to be "beautified" and then spent the night with the king before they were married? ......if we read this in a romance novel put in this day and age, we would call it scandalous. And these are just the examples I've thought of off the top of my head. OH! Jacob and Rachel! He worked FOURTEEN YEARS so that he could marry her. This is devotion.

So why is it that some people think today's novels have high expectations that make us girls wait for the perfect guy? The Bible has huge expectations for guys -- that they be poetic, rich, and work for fourteen years for us. Ok obviously I'm using hyperbole, but ahhh I don't know. I enjoy a good romance....who doesn't?! And, who's to say I shouldn't hold out for the perfect guy for me? I'm not saying he needs to be rich; that's not important to me. I would feel ridiculous if he showered me with poems, and would be appalled if he thought I needed to "be prepared" for a year before I was presentable...but I have faith that God will bring me someone perfect for me -- or no one at all.

I'm ok with this.

I'm more than ok, I'm content, even happy to wait.

But...also, I want to be married. I wish it didn't, but this verse keeps floating to the top of my thoughts -- "It is not good for man to be alone".

I have faith in my Father, that He knows what's best. I really do.

BEDA #26

2010-08-26T17:31:00.000-05:00

Here's a quick summary of what I did at Maranatha! :) Maybe I'll expand it some other time.

Saturday: Sick, breakfast, talking with Josh a lot (lack of guitar skills, talking about Alex and Collin) feeling alone, Grand Haven, Charly, Lebanon, Jena, beach, fireworks (drunk guy, me playing with rocks, sitting on the dock and swinging our feet), LATE NIGHT at the beach, singing under the stars – how could I forget to talk about that? That was the MAIN THING, haha.

Sunday: Leaving Josh and Jena alone, no breakfast, church – COLLIN SITS NEXT TO ME, so funny, first impression of Cami, guitar practice with Josh, “brunch”, hanging out in the commons with Jena, Josh, and Gary, Josh goes with Grandparents, Jena and I go to the beach, bye to Jena, no dinner, FIRST PRACTICE, with violin and guitar, awkwardness (sitting behind Vienna and Cami, then sitting with them – awkward conversation about Josh, hahaha), FIRST PERFORMANCE (screwed up violin part), Cami making hilarious faces at me, back to Lebanon, being a recluse, eating my salad from the day before, Vienna inviting me to the teen bonfire, Mike talking about perfect dates at the bonfire, walking back with Jaz, taking off make-up then Josh skipping LOST to take me to the grocery store, making it back just before midnight…did I go to bed, then? I think so. I remember feeling so desperately homesick, something I’d never felt before.

Monday: Woke up early-ish for teen worship practice. Started to really like Cami. Said goodbye to Mrs. Staley. My voice wasn’t doing too well, so I guzzled tea. I got to sing on half of the songs!! I think we went back to Lebanon after that, and Vienna and Cami hung out at the beach, maybe? We probably started watching Lord of the Rings then – YES, we did, cause I only sort of kind of watched while Gary and them did, and then we restarted on Tuesday. Collin said to Cami and I that night “You two ladies are looking lovely this evening. CRACKED. ME. UP. The performance went really well, thank goodness. The service was a little strange – the one on the reformation. That’s when I started getting worried about the speaker. We were in the outside of the Tab, and were a little late in getting back on the stage. Then there was a practice afterwards (I couldn’t get I Sing the Mighty Power of God, and had a little temper tantrum (difficult to explain)…embarrassing, but got to hang out with Cami, and REALLY started to like her). Went back to Leb, tons of people had ice cream. and then we watched LOST! I sat with Vienna, I remember, it was hilarious how into it she gets. Josh said I was his LOST buddy. They talk through the entire thing. Love it -- which is rare, cause I usually get annoyed when people talk during movies, haha.

Tuesday: No practice in the morning because of the Women’s Breakaway thing. I hung out with Josh for awhile, I think, watched some of LOTR, maybe? Watched Stomp The Yard and LOTR. Had a long devotion on the beach and it was EMPTY. Adored that. Had dinner with everyone right before practice…? For the first time? I think? Yes, I think that was the day that I got scared by a leaf, and Gary said “I was going to make a snide comment, but I figured I would be nice instead,” Then a good performance, I think. OH, this was the night when Cami smelled Vienna’s journal, which she said smelled like dog crap, hahaha. Loved that night. We laughed through the whole thing – at the speaker, more often than not. Got back to Lebanon, changed, went down to the beach, Cami and I. She was easy to talk to, but we didn’t HAVE to talk. Got eaten ALIVE by bugs. Then, we went to the staff party, and I was FREAKING EMBARRASSED by Josh, who started saying that I sent him mixed signals...IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. Classy. Josh got pushed into the pool. I bonded with Alyssa a little more. Watched LOST, and that was when the Collin incident happened, where he thought I was Vienna, hahaha. “You’re single, right?' "Not for you I’m not!”

Wednesday: EARLY PRACTICE. Rainy day. Josh was late. We went in our PJ’s. I apologized to Collin. Josh’s music that day, which was cool. This was one of the best days ever, we ate breakfast, and Alex and Collin teased Cami for not cuddling with them. Then, once we got back, we watched LOTR, and then took naps, and then food was brought to us!! Amazing! I think we might’ve watched more LOTR, and then people separated and did stuff – like riding in an airplane. I just went to the beach, read a little, then went to dinner, the cookout? Where I sat with Vienna and Cami. …then straight to practice. The worship was AMAZING that night. Loved it. Then we went back to Lebanon, changed, and had a devotion, I think? After, we went back, and there was that awkward moment where Alex wouldn’t let me sit by him and Alyssa because he was saving it for Mariah.

Thursday: Teen worship. Went to breakfast. Went to practice. Was so much fun, danced a lot with Cami to I have Decided to Follow Jesus. Had an extra practice for Sunday. Watched some of LOTR. I went to the beach. Read some. Got that compliment from the missionary that I didn’t know how to handle. Got to play piano in the Tab, which was AWESOME. Dinner…I don’t remember much. We went to practice, which was so/so, then all chilled at Lebanon for quite a while before we went to worship. Worship was a train wreck, I can’t remember why. OH. I did the prelude. And it was AWFUL. Then I just didn’t sing well. I have decided to follow Jesus Charly didn’t think went too well. He flung all the music off the stand at the end, balled it up and threw it at the pews. Came back, talked with Cami and Jaz for a long time. Then we moved out to the common room and talked. Loved this part, though I don’t remember everything we talked about. Finally, we went to get ice cream. Went back, talked some more. Anyway, eventually the Staley’s came. Said goodbye to Cami. We walked to the beach, talked, then talked in the back hallway.

Friday: Breakfast by myself, Jess didn’t want to pay the outrageous amount of money. Then went to teen worship at the prayer tower = amazing. Then went down to the beach with the Staley’s, went to lunch with them. Went shopping…? I think? When we got back, Jess and I sat on the playground and talked a little bit. Then I went to dinner, and let them go to dinner by themselves. Ate dinner with Melissa. I went with Alyssa and played Four-square with Alex and Mike, while Collin and Vienna practiced music for the wedding the next day. Staley’s came back, and Jess and I decided to go to Meijer with Josh instead of going to the beach, which was fine.

Saturday: Slept in a little, went to breakfast and sat with Mrs. Sommers. Everyone went to the wedding. Went back to the beach, Jess and I swang, had a lovely conversation. The flag was red that day, choppy waters. Josh had to clean rooms. Ate with Jess, wanted to go to the bookstore but it was closed, we talked. We went to Taco Bell, Mr. Staley wouldn’t let me pay again. Came back, helped with cleaning. Offered to watch boys, did, went to dinner with Staleys. Jess and I went to the beach to take pictures. Came back. Watched LOST. Went to bed a little earlier than the rest.

Sunday: Got up early, went to practice, felt weird without Cami there. Didn’t have breakfast. Church was good, though I felt like the worship was a little lacking. Messed up violin AGAIN. Ugghh. Said goodbye to Collin. Thanked Charly. Packed the rest of my stuff up, said goodbye to Jaz, she asked me to come and visit her. Said goodbye to the people in the common room. Said goodbye to Vienna, sat in car, ate at that wonderful burger place, Butler's Burgers? Slept a lot on the way back. Talked to Hannah. Home at 12 something?

So there you go! Probably a lot of detail you couldn't care less about, haha, but I guess this is just my immediate memories...maybe I'll make it more entertaining to read some other time.

P.S. I like traditions, but I'm not opposed to change, so...I'm going to stop signing my posts with "...lindy". Kthxbai.

BEDA #25

2010-08-25T06:04:00.000-05:00

:)
Hello again.

Last year at this time I was listening to Imogen Heap's newest CD, Ellipse, for the first time...and in honor of her, one of my favorite artists of all time, I'm listening to it again!

This is the first track:

Splendid, isn't it?

I heard that a girl I admired, though never met, died of cancer this morning. :( She was sweet, full of life, and did so much good while she was alive. I don't know if she was a Christian or not, and it really troubles me. When you see someone who is so kind and does so much for the people around her, it's easy to question God's justice...and I'll be honest, it's hard for me to swallow. I trust God, and I recognize that His wisdom is much higher than mine, but sometimes my finite mind cries foul. If nothing else, though, this makes me more burdened for the souls that still have time left on this sin-soaked world.

Stupid Faulkner and Fitzgerald are poisoning my mind and affecting my writing style. Maybe it was due for a change, anyway.

I'm going to Kari's house today to make peach jam!

Yesterday I had my first piano lesson...and realizing that I've got a lot of hard work ahead of me. :) I love my new teacher, though, she's very fun, and knows exactly what I want and how to teach me to do it -- many thanks, Lord. *smiles upward*.

Just had an experience with some slightly judgmental Christians, which really....irks me. Let's just say I'm not a big fan of blanket sweep judgments.

Ok, well, sorry it's such a short post today, maybe I'll do some more Maranatha stories tomorrow. :) I might just put a much shorter summary of the days up tomorrow, since I already have that finished, and if you want to hear a particular story you can ask me to elaborate. :)

In honor of Esther, DFTBA! (Don't Forget To Be Awesome)

...lindy

BEDA #24

2010-08-24T09:25:00.000-05:00

Our Maranatha saga continues on only the second day, because I am a rambler. Ok. Good.

So yesterday I introduced everyone, and left off when Jenna was about to arrive. It was still Saturday, August 7th, right before dinner.

We sat, talking, waiting for Jena to arrive. Finally, I decided to go meet Mr. and Mrs. Staley for dinner – after all, Josh wouldn’t want me around when he saw Jena for the first time in months. I had an awkward moment alone at the dining hall, looking around for them, but it was all right once I found the Staleys.

Josh and Jena walked in about fifteen minutes later. Mrs. Staley was amazed at how she, four foot nothing, looked standing next to Josh.

I instantly liked her. She had just come from a kid’s camp she was working at (which we bonded over, sharing horror stories), and had a cute hat, shorts a tie-dye shirt on. The only way to describe her personality is that she was completely and totally comfortable being herself. She laughed a lot, and often, has a quick wit, and is really sweet and deep, as well.

Somehow, we got on the subject of Adventures in Odyssey.

“Have you heard of Jungle Jam?” Jena asked.

“Yes! OH my goodness, that’s my favorite!” I said. “We’re like…soul sisters or something.” I laughed. We gave each other a high five.

“I’m not sure if I like this” Josh said, warily, and his feelings were quickly validated. Soon we were ganging up on him, teasing him mercilessly. It was hilarious.

We walked down to Jena’s car after dinner, so she could put her things in Lebanon and then take a walk on the beach.

“So you’re going to have to watch out for Collin.” Josh said. “He came to me and said, ‘Sooooo….Melinda!’” Josh imitated Collin, who apparently had had one eyebrow raised.

“Oh no…” I murmured as Jena laughed.

As soon as she got in the car to move it, I turned to Josh.

“Do you want me to go? I can bow out gracefully if you want to walk with her alone!”

“NO!” Josh exclaimed. “I don’t want it to be awkward. I mean…” he quickly started to backpedal. “not that we haven’t hung out alone, but you know…just stay,” he concluded.

I tried to read his expression, make sure he was being genuine. “Okay,” I finally said, “If you’re sure.” We walked a few paces and then I spit out, “So did Collin tell you this before he met me, or after?”

“Just this afternoon.” Josh said.

I groaned again. I had been hoping that after he met me he would see I wasn’t his type…but apparently not.

Even though I immediately felt a kinship with Jena, it become abundantly clear that I was the third wheel when we arrived at the beach. Let's just say there was flirting, and leave it at that. None of it was tasteless to any degree, I just felt the need to keep my distance is all. :)

Once we got back from the beach it was time to go see the fireworks. There were probably thousands of blankets from eager families claiming a spot for the fireworks show. Josh promised us that it would be the best we'd ever seen, and by the crowds of people milling around, I could see that he wasn't alone in his opinion. We finally came to the chalked-out area on the lake that we'd saved for ourselves and found a 20-something aged couple sitting right in the middle of it.

"Excuse me, sir, we reserved this spot early this afternoon." Mrs. Staley told the man.

"What do you mean you reserved it?" The guy asked. You could tell he had been "enjoying the festivities" a bit too much previous to sitting down. "It's a free country -- I can sit here with my girlfriend if I like." He tightened his grip around her.

Mrs. Staley, who had gone through many ordeals to reserve this spot to the satisfaction of a over-zealous security officer, understandably got a little angry, and the man started cussing her out. It was ridiculous. Josh stepped in when the man threatened, "Listen, grandma, I'm not moving my -- " (butt) " -- so just deal with it or your blanket is going in the water!"

Josh tried to reason with him, but finally just gave up, and we settled down right behind them. Jena and I exchanged wide-eyed glances throughout the whole thing, hoping someone didn't end up in the lake.

After the tension blew over a little, we talked as the sky grew darker and the crowds grew thicker. We stared up at the hill directly in front of us that the fireworks would be shot off of, as it was hosed down.

"Every year you kind of cheer more for the hill to catch on fire than the fireworks," Josh informed us. I shook my head at him, and Jena laughed.

It definitely wasn't the first thing on my mind, though, once the fireworks started. First of all, we were amazingly close to them, and the boom of the explosions were of the chest-rattling variety (my favorite!). Also, they were all choreographed to excellent music that was being broadcast from boats on the lake (all from soundtracks!). And then, after a good thirty minutes of beautiful fireworks, the finale was the best, brightest, and loudest that I've ever seen! It was just...well, to use a phrase that Josh and Jena say all the time "it was epic-ly legit".

Mr. and Mrs. Staley didn't want to fight the crowds on the way back, so Josh, Jena and I sat where the drunk couple had and swung our feet in the lake.

One more little story for today; on our way back to the SUV, there was this amazing grassy hill that instantly made me want to roll down it. As soon as I'd thought that, Jena said "That would be a PERFECT hill to roll down!"

My impulsive nature took over and I said, "LET'S DO IT!" We ran to the top of the hill and threw ourselves down it, giggling like little girls.

Let me ask you....how long has it been since you rolled down a hill? Because you are MISSING OUT. You lose all control and sense of direction in a giddy dizziness, and as silly as it may sound, to me it felt like I was getting a giant, grassy hug. It was unforgettable.

Until tomorrow, friends. :)

...lindy

BEDA #23

2010-08-23T11:50:00.000-05:00

So yes, I forgot to update yesterday. WHOOPS.

I am now, FINALLY, ready to tell some stories from Maranatha!

*later* This is SUPER, SUPER long. Feel free to skim. I just started writing about it and couldn't stop!

August 6th

At 4:30 my alarm went off. Dad, sweetheart that he is, got up to take me to the (grandparent) Staley's house. Right before we left, he swept me up in a hug and blessed me. I don't remember the exact words, but I think I teared up a little bit. It's a tradition I used to feel really uncomfortable with, but now I cherish it. It's strange how many things I've come to appreciate now that I'm older.

We were pretty quiet in the car, as is the custom for Dad and me. I can remember many rides to and from church on Wednesday night where he would have the Royal's game on. This was fine with me, I was usually reading. Whenever we did talk, though, he would always turn down the radio to let me know I had his full attention. Anyway, the back roads wound on, a hint of fog clinging to the fields of grass we passed. Some talk-show droned on as I sleepily pondered the trip ahead. I wondered how I should act around Mr. and Mrs Staley, if I would be a burden or a blessing. I wondered how stressful the music was going to be, and if I was going to have to play guitar. I wondered who the music staff was going to be, and if we'd get a long.

"Hello Melinda!" Mrs. Staley greeted me warmly as I rang her doorbell, a few minutes past 5:30. "It's good to see you!"

I reciprocated the welcome, and stepped inside at her invitation. "Sorry we're a few minutes late!" I apologized, walking through the house, swinging my violin. We chatted lightly while my Dad did the same with Mr. Staley, who was packing up the SUV.

I gave my dad a quick hug goodbye and jumped (literally, because the SUV is pretty high off the ground) into the car. I kept my little red pillow close to my chest, hugging it like a five-year-old would cling to a beloved stuffed animal. Much to my relief, the conversation with the Staley's flowed easily, and soon we were on the road.

I knew from past traveling experience with the couple that they stopped frequently, and this trip was no exception. I slept on and off before we stopped at Cracker Barrel for breakfast at around 8 or 9.

"Would you tell this young lady that what she ordered is going to make her fat?" Mr. Staley told the waitress as she set down my plate of hashbrowns, baked apples and a biscuit.

"Absolutely not!" She replied.

I'm really glad that going into this I knew Mr. Staley's sense of humor. While I didn't necessarily appreciate it, I at least knew it was coming. I'm certain he never means it to hurt, but sometimes it's a little too truthful.

As we ate, Mr. Staley read the paper for the first fifteen minutes or so as his wife and I talked. In the middle of breakfast, however, he abruptly turned to me. In his grim, questioning way he said "We might as well get this out of the way now. Where do you stand on politics?"

I laughed, a little nervously. "Well...I...must we talk about this?"

Mr. Staley laughed -- at me, though not too unkindly. "How about this. How do you feel about Obama?" He spoke the words deliberately and clearly. He sat perfectly centered in his chair, finger on his mouth in a way that suggested while he was curious about what I would say, he fully expected it to be amusingly foolish.

I took a moment to choose my words carefully. "Well, while I don't agree with most of his policies, I do believe that he is president for a reason. The Bible says that 'the King's heart is in the hands of the Lord'."

Mr. Staley hmm'ed and moved on to telling me about a book he was reading. I promise I really do like and respect him, but the way he smugly lectures isn't my cup of tea.

Let's move on.

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. I slept ("the whole time", Mr. Staley joked, and I wouldn't even wake up to hand him a water bottle), read the entirety of a Katie Weldon book, and listened to music. We stopped frequently, and there was a lot of construction, so the trip took about 15 hours. I can't tell you how many times the joke "Melinda is SO MUCH TROUBLE" was made, both to me and people on the phone.

It was about 11:15 PM by the time we pulled into Maranatha.

I was a little apprehensive about seeing Josh. Thankfully, within the first ten minutes he mentioned that Jenna was coming to visit him. I instantly relaxed. He liked someone else! There would be no awkwardness, and no weird conversations with other staff about whether or not we were an item! HALLELUJAH. :)

He introduced us to some of the staff upstairs in Lebanon as they watched LOST. I'll tell you more about them later, but Vienna, the other girl singer in the worship band showed me where I would sleep. I could tell I would like her. She had dark, curly hair, and was pretty tan. She made me feel welcome, but didn't linger -- she wanted to get back to LOST as soon as possible (I assured her I completely understood this, being a LOST fan myself).

After I had chosen a bed (the top bunk, much to my unvoiced disappointment) and made it, I stood in my room, unsure of what to do with myself. The last time I was here I was with Jessica. It was easy, then, not only to have someone else to talk to and discuss what to do, but also made it easier to be in contact with Josh. Boys weren't allowed back in the girl's dorm, and vice-versa. I wasn't sure what to do for breakfast, what music stuff I would be doing, or even where to find him in the morning! Finally, Mrs. Staley came back and told me what the plan was, and I, too tired to be social with any of the girls, went to sleep.

I was still a little sick, and there were a few times that night I woke up and had coughing fits. Since it was one big room with about six other girls, I felt awful about this, and tried to muffle it as much as possible, but it still wasn't so great of a night.

August 7th

I woke up feeling pretty tired, and also nauseous -- something else that had come with this weird virus. For the first three or so hours of the day I had no appetite. .....NO IT WASN'T MORNING SICKNESS. :P

I met Josh out in the common area of Lebanon, and we drove to a local restaurant, much to my dismay. I had already used up a lot of the money I brought for food on the way up, and was hoping that I wouldn't have to spend any while we were there. To increase my worry, Josh told me that lunch at Maranatha wasn't provided.

Thanks for telling me that little detail before I got here, Josh I thought. He offered to take me to the grocery store later, though, which was sweet of him. In fact, he was a perfect gentleman all week, almost to a fault -- opening every door for me, insisting on carrying things for me, etc. It was sweet. There aren't many guys like that out there.

We talked about music, mostly, on the way to Toast 'N Jam, the breakfast place.

After breakfast we drove to Grand Haven to stake out spots for the Coast Guard Celebration Fireworks Show that night. This part was good, I promise! Josh kept us laughing most of the way there. I got him to talk about Jenna, which was pretty cute. I love seeing guys talk about the girls they like. Once we'd found a place to save (a hilarious story in and of itself, involving a disgruntled sheriff, but I'm already rambling SO MUCH) Josh and I went exploring the town. There was a big fair going on, so we talked about Red Bridge friends while taking in the various spectacles. Part of me felt a little awkward -- this was a very date-like thing to do. My discomfort reached its height when Josh offered to pay for a smoothie for me -- but then, he said:

"Just a friend paying for a friend!"

Relaxing, I accepted. And oh my word, it was the best smoothie ("Just Peachy", for the record) I've ever had.

After some more walking around at Grand Haven, we headed back to Maranatha.

Josh had a meeting to go to, and the Staley's went to get settled in their hotel room, so I started for Lebanon by myself. I had walked for about a minute when I heard a man call "MELINDA!". It scared me out of my mind - it was the last thing I expected. Sure, Josh had introduced me to a few people, but I really didn't expect them to remember me! I turned around, searching for the shouter. I saw a bearded man waving at me, yelling my name again. It was Charly, the worship leader and pianist. He's pretty tall, has about as much dark facial hair as you can imagine, and is pretty....well...foreboding. He's really nice, but very intense. We exchanged pleasantries. He explained that he wouldn't need me till 6 the next night, and gave me my meal ticket.

Then...I went back to Lebanon alone. It was weird. This was the point, I believe, when I sent Mel a desperate and pathetic email about how socially awkward I felt. I still hadn't really clicked with any of the girls, who were all busy with different things. I'd talked to a few of them briefly in the bathroom, haha, but that was it.

Later in the afternoon I sat with a group of people, I don't remember exactly who, but probably Vienna, Becky, Alex, Collin, Jasilyn, Gary, Mike, Alysson, Moriah, and Josh in the common room. It's like a living room -- there's two couches, and four HUGE, comfy bean-bag chairs. On the wall in between the doors to the boys' and girls' dorms there's a big flat-screen TV, a small kitchen area is on another wall, a big glass door leading to a porch on another, and on the last were three big windows.

"So Jenna is coming tonight, huh?" Vienna laughed, as Josh walked from the boys' dorm with a new shirt on, looking rather nervous.

"Yes. PLEASE don't make this awkward for me, guys." Josh pleaded.

A gleeful round of laughter and joking followed this statement.

"Alright, Josh," Collin, the bass player, said seriously. "Cologne on? Good. Now, breath check." He said, sniffing near Josh's mouth. "Ok, pits?" He said, and we all groaned as he lifted Josh's arm up.

"That is a true friend right there," Becky quipped dryly, blond, curly hair bouncing. "You should be grateful."

Collin continued grilling Josh on personal hygiene. It was funny how much Collin (who was already pretty short) looked like a little curly-headed kid next to Josh. He was just barely 17, and, Josh warned me, an unrepentant flirt. I told Hannah later that he was pretty much a young Mr. Collins.

I got to know the other staffers by observing them taunt Josh.

Alex, the drummer, and also 17, was the classic surfer boy. Tall, blond, tan, quiet. Josh warned me that he, also, was a flirt -- but was in "I like you, you like me, but we're not going out" relationship with Moriah, a pretty 17 year old on kid staff. Actually, Alex reminded me a lot of Todd from the Christy Miller series.

Becky, who I think was in her early to mid 20's, was on teen staff. She had a huge personality, and was always laughing and joking. Her curly blond hair contrasted with her dark haired sisters' -- Moriah and Alysson.

Allysson is 16 and sweet, she works on kid staff. I remembered her and Becky a little from the year before. We got to hang out a few times, including a friendly game of four-square with Alex and Mike.

Mike is 21, I believe. He's a bigger guy, with glasses and scruff. He's hilarious, and also really sweet at times. There was one night at a bonfire where he entertained a group of us for about an hour with a run down of the perfect dates for each season. It's hard to explain how hilarious that was.

Jasilyn is about the same age as Becky, and also on teen staff. She has an adorably squeaky voice, an endearing laugh, and dark, straight hair. She just became a Christian a few years ago, and I got to hear her testimony after the bonfire I mentioned. We only hung out a few times, but she was so much fun to be with.

Then there was Gary. I had no idea what to think of him when I first met him. He has a shaved head and blue, blood-hound eyes. He was almost always in one spot on the couch, either writing, reading, or on his laptop.

I think I've introduce everyone...

Oh. My. Lands. I can't believe how long this is. And here I couldn't think of anything to write a week ago. *exhale*. OK. I guess I'll continue this tomorrow.

Forget the senses thing. Frankly, I'm tired of it. haha.

....lindy

BEDA #21

2010-08-21T11:57:00.000-05:00

Late Summer reading list:

Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters - available at the library

The Sound and the Fury - working on it...slowly

Divine Comedy - requested

The Catcher in the Rye - read!

The Brothers Karamazov - available at the library

Omensetter's Luck - CAN'T FIND IT. Except on Amazon. I MIGHT buy it.

Franny and Zooey - requested

Though None Go With Me - just haven't gotten around to it, but I will!

First Impressions - reading!

----

So yeah, I have a ways to go. :)

Today I got to see all my Del-Haven friends again! I guess I don't have a whole lot to say about it, haha, but it was good to see all of them.

I woke up at a decent time this morning, for ONE reason: to watch cartoons. I'm not even sure why I wanted to so badly, and there wasn't really anything good on...but The Emperor's New School. :) So I settled down with my cereal and coffee and watched cartoons. It was an awesome way to start the day.

Ok. I realize that these blogs are getting shorter now that it's nearing the end of August...and I didn't even blog every day, hahaha, but I honestly can't think of anything else to say...sooo.

Today, I saw: A WICKED farmer's tan. And I don't mean that in a good way, haha.

Today, I heard: The sound of much-loved swings, creaking back and forth.

Today, I touched: The cool water in the swimming pool. It was a perfect day for a swim.

Today, I smelled: Smoke from the grill.

Today, I tasted: A CLASSIC American cook-out: Hot dog, chips, potato salad and watermelon. :)

Until tomorrow!

...lindy

BEDA #20

2010-08-20T08:46:00.000-05:00

Last day of work for awhile. :/

Honestly, I don't much feel like blogging. Maybe I'll add to this tonight, but for now I'm just going to do the senses. :)

Today, I saw: Some old friends, the Nienhisers. I can't believe how grown up the three oldest are!

Today, I heard: Ingrid Michaelson. So good. :) Look up "Men of Snow." (PUTTING THE PERIOD INSIDE KILLS ME).

Today, I touched: The automatic fold-er thing at church -- so much fun! ALSO, "the shaker." Amaaazing.

Today, I smelled: Church's coffee. It smells different. Not bad, just different.

Today, I tasted: An ice cream sandwich -- SO DELICIOUS. I really need to improve my eating habits. :)

...lindy

BEDA #19

2010-08-19T11:14:00.000-05:00

Had another wonderful day at work today -- oh how I love saying that, haha. I talked to Mrs. Jackson today about (hopefully) making this more of a permanent part-time thing, so we'll see.

Jessica is coming over tonight to watch Hardy Boys and to make brownies -- yay! Even though we were at Maranatha together, I still feel like we haven't talked a whole lot lately.

I got to watch Finding Neverland with my mom last night, which was so much fun. There isn't usually a chance for us to watch an "adult" movie, since Kaylin is usually around (not that this was much of an "adult" movie, haha, but still).

OH, today, Pastor reminded me that I look like Susan -- for about the fifth time, haha. I'm not sure if he just forgets that he's told me that, or if it just tickles him so much that he feels the need to say it again. It's fine with me, it just makes me laugh that he's told me so many times. :)

I'm listening to Imogen Heap right now -- love her so much. I'm listening to this song:

I really wish I had some important topic to discuss. OH! I DO have one! Or at least it's important to me. Mrs. Jackson asked me to proof read the announcement insert in the bulletin today, and in it I found this (loosely quoted): "Please attend the "Garage Giveaway," put on by ISI....". Now notice that the comma is INSIDE the quotations. Heaven help me, I don't know if I'm remembering wrong, but I could SWEAR I was taught that if quotations enclose a title, the comma should be OUTSIDE of the quotes...so that's what I told Mrs. Jackson. It turned into such a debacle (I promise I was never rude or disrespectful, I was just certain I was right :/) that Mrs. Jackson showed me (in a small pamphlet about grammar for secretaries) that I was wrong. Ahhhhhh. Now, I know I'm a little hazy on comma usage, and I'm sure I split my infinitives like crazy -- but I was SURE about this one thing! ....so. Which way were you taught? Because I researched it online once I got home, and sure enough; the comma should go inside the quotations.

*brushes up on grammar*

Well, anyway. I hope you can forgive my brief nerdiness.

I did, however, CORRECTLY add a missing comma from the bulletin. Is it wrong that I was happy I found something...wrong? :)

Today, I saw: That my new-ish shirt bled black dye onto my white cami....AGAIN. I've never had this happen before! So frustrating.

Today, I heard: The Imogen Heap song I linked in here. Beautiful.

Today, I touched: The secret copier in the computer room at Church. It's so much faster than the other copiers, it's amazing.

Today, I smelled: Freshly printed fliers for the bulletin. It smells like ink, new paper and....heat.

Today, I tasted: Ritz crackers for the first time in a while -- so delicious!

...lindy

BEDA #18

2010-08-18T07:40:00.000-05:00

Last night was so great.

I went on a date with my dad, to Mardel, to see if any positions were open, then to the library, then to Wal-Mart. Ok, writing it out like that it doesn't sound that great, BUT IT WAS.

Something my dad said made me so happy, even though it was little...he said "You look like you've aged 3 years in two weeks!"; which to most people wouldn't be a compliment, but since I get told I look 12 on a regular basis I LOVED it.

Also, I got some books that were recommended to me from someone at Maranatha. They're classics, which is good -- I've needed someone to give me a kick in the pants to read them. I'm really loving it so far!

I talked to my parents about jobs last night at dinner, and it was really encouraging. They've told me that they'll back me wanting to pursue music...which is something I never thought I'd hear them say. I can't express the FREEDOM this gives me. I thought that if I wanted to do it, I would have to support myself, and only do it with a partial blessing from them -- but no! I....ahhhhhh...I just can't put into words how wonderful it was to hear that. Even if I never get anywhere, even if I'm not "good enough", to have my parent's go-ahead means the world to me.

*smiles contentedly*

Today, I saw: So many people on skype. Ok, so I saw their WORDS, but it's the same thing. Had the best talk with Hannah EVER. It was so encouraging and...well...exciting! I can't explain.

Today, I heard: The attic fan, because the weather is actually nice!

Today, I touched: My family's piano. *love* I'm going to really miss it when I'm not at home anymore...if I'm EVER not at home anymore.

Today, I smelled: Old library books. It takes me back, every time.

Today, I tasted: Mac and Cheese! So disgustingly delicious. :P

...lindy

BEDA #17

2010-08-17T12:11:00.000-05:00

Worked at the church office again today! It's the kind of work I like (for now, at least) -- mundane, repetitive tasks that take little thought. I'm sure many people don't like these types of jobs, but I enjoy being able to let my mind wander, or listen to music -- that sort of thing. Mrs. Jackson said I might be able to come back tomorrow and work, which would be great!

I finished the third Katie Weldon book, and MY LANDS I loved it. It's sort of a nice end-of-an-era for me...I started reading the Christy Miller and Sierra Jenson books when I was...ohh....14 or so. Finishing them up now is more sweet than bitter. I like it. I love knowing all of their stories.

I sent an email today turning down a potentially life-changing opportunity. It was a hard, hard decision, but I'm almost sure that this is what God wants. I'm waiting, still, on Him, for the perfect thing. It's frustrating, actually...I hate turning things down. But I have to believe that this was the right thing to do. I need to start searching for ways to fill my time, though. Ways to be useful while also using my...talents. I don't like that word, for some reason. I'll explore why I don't some other time.

Oh, I said I was going to tell stories from Michigan, didn't I? Well, I'm sorry, I really don't feel like it today. I talked to my mom and dad about it for a few hours yesterday, and I'm all talked out.

Deary. I'm getting all gloomy again. Not good.

I love the weather today. Love it. I was so ready for a change from the hot, gross, sticky weather. I'm so excited for Fall!

It just hit me again that my Summer is over. Over, over...and I don't know what I'm going to be doing this Fall. Well, actually, that's only a part-truth. I know I'm going to be working in AWANA, children's choir, and I'm going to be looking for a job. I know that I'll probably still be volunteering at the hospital. I want to find a voice teacher, and I'm thinking about taking piano lessons. Who knows where that might take me.

Ahhhhhhhhhh. Ok. That's all the talking about myself that I should do.

Today, I saw: Gray skies that opened up for a gentle summer storm. *love*

Today, I heard: A lot of music. Chris Rice, Brandon Heath, Andrew Peterson...all while putting together the packets for WIN teams. :)

Today, I touched: Rubber bands. So many rubber bands. SO MANY.

Today, I smelled: A perfume, Rainkissed Leaves (? can't remember if that's the right name or not) that I hadn't worn in a very long time. It brought back memories.

Today, I tasted: My own coffee again. :) Made me very happy.

...lindy

BEDA...#16? blush

2010-08-16T17:57:00.000-05:00

So, yeah, BEDA was kind of a fail due to the somewhat unexpected Michigan trip I took. I'll try to finish out the month updating every day, however!

Michigan was a trip that grew me. Stretched me. It was a hard thing, and I survived.

I'm not saying that it was awful or anything. I'm just stating that it wasn't all butterflies and roses. Some of the challenges I expected -- musically it put me out of my comfort zone, and I knew that was coming. But what I didn't expect was how out-of-my-comfort-zone the social aspects of Maranatha were. Normally I don't have too hard of a time making new friends. I mean, sure, there's the awkward stage where you try to find something in common with the person, but once you connect about something, it's not hard...right? But there, in Maranatha, where the staff had already spent seven weeks together, and were growing tired of their specific tasks...it was a little rough in the beginning. The only person I knew, Josh, wasn't allowed back in the girl's dorm (obviously...) and since I didn't have a phone, there was no way to communicate with him. So I was stuck in that barren land of "do I try to involve myself in this group of girls that is already really well established in their routine, or would they rather me stay away...?". The last thing I wanted to be was clingy. But...then again...I didn't want it to seem like I was pushing everyone away, either.

To make a long story short (TOO LATE) I was quiet a lot of the week. It wasn't that they didn't include me (everyone was so sweet, it wasn't that at all!) and it wasn't that I didn't eventually feel comfortable...I just didn't feel like talking. There are only a few times when I feel like I opened up. It's k, though. It was still really fun.

I'll share more stories tomorrow, perhaps, but it's almost the end of the 16th, and I want to get this "published" before it's no longer valid as my 16th BEDA! So, I'll sum up with the senses.

Today, I saw: Kaylin for the first time since I got home. She woke me up early this morning, but for once I didn't mind. I can't believe how much she's growing up.

Today, I heard: Crickets, right outside my window. I love that sound. It's the epitome of summer, don't you think?

Today, I touched: My computer for the first time in a week and a half. It's kind of pathetic how happy that made me. Also, the sand that was trapped in my suitcase. I was sweeping it off my bed all day.

Today, I smelled: The last lingering scent of Lebanon on my pillowcase and clothes. It's very strong. I don't know what it is -- maybe just a "new building" smell. But I like it.

Today, I tasted: Wayyyyy too much junk food. It's kind of disgusting how many sweets I had...but...what can I say. End of a trip. Comfort food. It happens.

Until tomorrow.

...lindy

BEDA #5

2010-08-05T15:23:00.000-05:00

Today was much better than yesterday. Tomorrow I leave for Michigan. I am slightly WORRIED, but trying to lean on God.

I'm trying to go to bed early, but things keep distracting me...

I had to say goodbye to Hannah today, and it wasn't...enough. I didn't get to hang out with her enough, talk with her enough, hug her enough. :( I'm going to miss you so much, Hannah!

Today, I saw: My piles of clothes being transferred from the floor of my room to my suitcase. Crazy how that suitcase shrinks when you start putting everything in. I am such a classic over-packing GIRL sometimes.

Today, I heard: Right now, the clinks and clanks and running of the water as my parents wash and dry dishes. It's such a comforting sound to me. When I was little, Mom and Dad did the dishes right after the three of us girls went to sleep. Sometimes, Kari would nudge me and whisper "Let's go be spies!". We would crawl through the hall, doing our best to skip the squeaky spots, and sneak as close to the kitchen as possible before we were caught. Sometimes we would get all the way to the island in the kitchen before we were found out...though...it may just have been because Mom and Dad were humoring us. :)

Today, I touched:

Today, I smelled: So many different scents at Bath and Body Works with Hannah and Jess! So glad I got to spend one last afternoon with Hannah, short as it may have been.

Today, I tasted: Lemon tea with honey in it. :) Supposedly it's good for the throat.

Oh, before I go, quick story -- today during missions time, Jake sat next to me. So (NATURALLY) Bethany, who was sitting on my lap, turns to me and asks "are you two in LOVE?". I quickly said "No! He has a girlfriend!". Jake, who hadn't heard exactly what she'd asked, made her repeat the whole thing, and I quickly added "And his girlfriend's really nice. And cool!". Jake added, "She's very cool." and then, a slightly horrified look on his face, he said "Not that Melinda's not cool...or anything...it's just that Rachel...". I shushed him. Of COURSE he should have a higher opinion of his girlfriend than me! I would be worried if he didn't! Girls are so easily offended, it's sad that guys have to be walking on eggshells around us...though, I suppose it's better than the alternative.

...lindy

BEDA #4

2010-08-04T17:23:00.000-05:00

Had to go home unexpectedly from VBS...hated, HATED doing it. It also meant that I couldn't hang out with Hannah, which was...awful. :(

Trying to make the best of it, and I don't care HOW awful I feel tomorrow, I WILL BE THERE.

Today, I saw: Brandon Jones, dancing his HEART out to the Saddle Ridge Ranch theme song. Adorable :)

Today, I heard: The sound of my email notifier on my computer, which has only just now stopped scaring the living daylights out of me. It sounds like the sound they use in movies and on TV shows when a spotlight hits something the character loves, and there's this sort of heavenly "ahhh", harp and chime-type noises? Yeah, that's what it sounds like. Every time I hear it I think God's about to speak to me. hahaha, ok not really.

Today, I touched: My coffee mug. Kind of clung to it, actually, as if it were my last saving grace...I was hoping it would wake me up and soothe my throat. ...I never finished that coffee (cue sad music :P).

Today, I smelled: My sheets...which I suppose means I was smelling the laundry detergent.

Today, I tasted: An...interesting concoction of honey and cinnamon that my mom says will help me get better faster. I still have my doubts.

Maybe there will be a longer post tomorrow...maybe. We'll see. :)

...lindy

BEDA 3.

2010-08-03T13:22:00.000-05:00

Just wrote two VERY angsty tweets. Regretting it.

Today I woke up, and everything that was within me screamed "GO BACK TO BED!". I ignored its advice.

Somehow, despite my growing feeling that I was getting sick, I was able to get through VBS with some resemblance of that one character quality, enthusiasm? We used to have fun together. But then there was this other friend, kind of a downer, sleep-depravity? Gets real jealous. You know the type.

Ultimately I know that it's my fault that I haven't gotten as much sleep as I apparently need, so I'll stop the whining there.

Read another book in a day yesterday. Besides the side effect of schizophrenia (she stood next to her dad, slowly drying the dishes, earbuds sealing her off from the bitter world that took her friend away. The song reminded her so much of him."MOM?!? MOM! I'M HEARING VOICES!") I'm loving getting back into books.

Also, today, I voted. It's true that I detest the game that grown-ups play, "politics", but I still do think that as a citizen of the USA it's my duty and privilege to vote for the person who is least likely to screw me over (remember when I said my cynical mood would pass? Hasn't yet.). But hey, if nothing else, I got a sticker out of it. :)

Went shopping at three different places and didn't get anything. I'm both disappointed that I didn't find anything and happy that I didn't spend money, haha.

Found out that I will be gone when Hannah leaves for UCM. I am SUPER, SUPER bummed about this, and Hannah -- we MUST spend as much time together on Wednesday and Thursday as possible!!

"Love is a river that flows through, love never fails you. Love will sustain, love will provide, love will not cease at the end of time. ...love still believes when you don't." - Brandon Heath, Love Never Fails

Today, I saw: This Julian Smith video.

Today, I heard: Someone say to me "Well, now, I was just thinking to myself -- it's about time for a lovely lady like you to walk in here!" Which was absolute crap, because mirrors exists and I'd just looked into one and #1, I was sweaty, #2, my hair was all...poofed, #3 I'd already cried twice that day, so my makeup was pretty much gone #4, I had old, comfy clothes on because I'd forgotten about voting, and #5 I was voting, so, I probably looked super uncomfortable.

Today, I touched: Origami paper as I folded a little paper jumping frog for Kaylin. I'd totally forgotten how fun those things are!

Today, I smelled: Egg sandwiches. Egg is not my favorite smell.

Today, I tasted: Probably the best rice crispy treat I have EVER had. They wrapped little black licorice strips around it to make it look like a hay bale. ADORABLE.

...lindy

BEDA 2.

2010-08-02T16:00:00.000-05:00

I've rediscovered today that it is dangerous for me to read first-person books. As soon as I put the book down, the writer in my head begins to narrate my own life in tragic, woe-begotten prose.

It's kind of disgusting.

Also, today I went to the library in my plaid, long-sleeved flannel shirt and jeans. I got quite a few weird looks as it was 97 degrees. ALSO, it's embarrassing to be carrying a shameful amount of books, forcing a teenage guy to begrudgingly open the door for you. That sentence was composed awkwardly, but I don't care enough to rephrase it. *smiles*

To make a life lesson over something stupid (i.e., to blog -- sorry, feeling cynical. It'll pass.), I played ping-pong with my dad tonight. He beat me three times in a row. Now, I am an on-again off-again competitive person, depending on what we're playing. Tonight, I wanted to win...at least once. And to my utter humiliation, the frustration of the situation (hahhahaha...sorry once I wrote "frustration" I had to keep it going.) caused me to tear up. I don't think/HOPE my dad didn't notice, and I controlled it fairly easily, but it unsettled me. You think you've grown. You think you've grown enough that little things won't bother you, that you can handle frustration maturely...and then, when something doesn't go the way you expected.....BAM: You're right back to that 8 year old who can't say her memory verse right, and so dissolves into tears. I am referring, of course, to Amber, the lovely child I had the privilege of spending last week with. I would rather not dwell on the ten minutes I spent with her, as she broke down SOBBING every time she missed a word, so we'll move on, leave this little life-lesson open ended. I'm not a big fan of stories that end with morals anyway.

Keep me in your prayers, if you think of me -- I'm developing this wicked cough, and it couldn't come at a worse time. VBS is looming in the morning, and Maranatha within the week...I would really appreciate prayer that it would either go away, unfulfilled, or that it would pass QUICKLY. *prays it's not what the Wallace's have*

Today, I saw: Sooooo muuuuch plaaaaaiiid.

Today, I heard: That someone asked Melody: "Are you and Darrell married?"

Today, I touched: A mic.

Today, I smelled: My new deodorant...which is disconcerting. I guess it's good that I know it's working, haha.

Today, I tasted: Amazing coffee, that wasn't even from Starbucks. :) I'm finally learning. :P

...lindy

BEDA Day 1! August 1st, 2010

2010-08-01T15:49:00.000-05:00

I'll admit, I forgot about this. There's been quite a bit of...shall we say...excitement in my life recently, so the last thing on my mind was Blog Every Day August. HOWEVER. I am going to do my best to blog every day, even if they're short!

Today was....very long. We finally finished setting everything up for VBS, which is a relief. I had this (perhaps irrational) fear that we would be up at church at five in the morning, still feverishly working.

I'm going to steal an idea of another blogger who is doing BEDA, and use my senses as a blogging tool...soo. Ready?

Today, I saw: A boy who doesn't normally dance, dance in a ballet style.

Today, I heard: This song:

Today, I touched: A boy's hand accidentally. Several times, actually. Should that be awkward? Well in any case, IT WAS.

Today, I smelled: A lot of paint. Probably why I'm feeling just a little loopy.

Today, I tasted: A LOT of junk food. I need to go have a good dinner, now...so I'll leave it here for now. :)

...lindy

Home, Finally.

2010-07-29T14:42:00.000-05:00

Home.

I love home so much.

I love my family, though it's been reduced to just Mom, Dad and Kaylin at home. I love my bed, my room, my laptop, my moon chair, my dolphin and seal stuffed animals. :P

My family is adorable and got me the greatest welcome home present ever -- food. Pizza and chips with pineapple peach salsa. I have the best family. :)

Whenever I get home from Del-Haven I de-stress by unpacking, starting the laundry, taking a LONG shower (a luxury I cant afford at D-H), and blow-drying/straightening my hair (something else I can't do there). I've found that, despite my protests that I like change and am unpredictable; I love routines. I even make little rules for myself, like, I can't get on the computer until I've done all the things I mentioned. Oh, also, I eat. I eat a LOT when I get home. Unfortunately I'm a stress-eater.

This week at Del-Haven was like the good parts of the first week and the bad parts of the second week combined. So...I don't even know what to say about it. I enjoyed it, but there were a few girls that I just sort of wanted to smack. Thank goodness God gave me patience, though, and I only yelled at a girl once (I would tell you about it, but really it's an uninteresting story).

The funniest thing that happened this week was when a girl from the inner-city went fishing for the first time. She caught a fish, and got it in her paddleboat, but thought that it had flopped out. Three minutes later she shifted around in her seat and found it under her butt. Sheri tells me that both of the girls almost fell out of the paddleboat, they were freaking out so much. You should have heard the girl, Makayla, tell the story though...she told it about five times, and all of the girls almost died laughing about it every time. :)

So many of those girls have horrible home situations. On the first day, Sheri (the head counselor) talked about how her Dad left when she was only 8. Soon after that she was invited to church, and she heard that God could be her perfect heavenly father. I love Sheri, she's not afraid to be emotional -- while she was telling this story she teared up, talking about how much it meant to her that she had a Father who would never leave her, and always love her unconditionally. After that lesson, two of the girls stayed in the chapel, crying. Sheri talked to one, and I just sat with the other, while this 11 year old, tough, inner-city girl cried next to me.

This impacted me so much this week for two reasons. First, before I left...I got in a bit of a disagreement with my dad. It wasn't big, I was just super frustrated with him. The last words we traded weren't spiteful, but they weren't exactly loving. I regretted that so much when I realized how amazing I have it -- two loving parents, still together, who love me and care about what I do with my life. It's rare. I forget how rare it is. Also...I realize that my Dad isn't perfect, and I can't expect him to be. I do, however, have a Heavenly Father who is perfect, and will more than make up for anything my Dad may do wrong.

I could ramble on and on, I'm in a "reflective mood", haha, but I'll leave it there for now.

Matthew 6:25-34

²⁵ "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ²⁷And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? ²⁸And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, ²⁹yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ³⁰But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²Forthe Gentiles seek after all these things, andyour heavenly Father knows that you need them all. ³³But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.³⁴ "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

...lindy

Reasons to be Happy

2010-07-25T16:39:00.000-05:00

I am in a bad mood. I am determined to change that.

REASONS TO BE HAPPY

(EXTENDED FROM TWITTER)

Great friends, old stuffed animals (washed today!), silly bandz, jazz, comfort food, AVPS, rearranged room, Lucky the fishstick, Cabin Maple, Laura, Emma, watermelon creamslushes, inside jokes, youtube, twitter, facebook, pillows, the word "splendid", Sheri's coffee in the morning, hair already straightened, bags already packed, lists, saying "cuss" instead of actually cussing, Audrianna's question, a letter on the way, an old photo album, What Wondrous Love is This, violin over, Fall on the way, my Mom, old favorite songs playing on the radio, a four day break from the internet (believe it or not, I actually enjoy being away from it!), The Lord's Supper, this moon chair I'm sitting in, my new "Lists" journal, the promise of a hang-out next weekend, last night's sunset, Jess's show on Saturday, Japanese Cherry Blossom, the way one certain boy smells (NOT TELLING), a renewed fondness for pens, getting my Mom to like my music, hashtags, "*____*'s", entertaining dreams (even if I CAN'T control them... ;) ), "I love pretty scenery!", "IT'S SO FLUFFY I'M GONNA DIE!", ideas, sisters, "Ask and you will receive".

I feel much better. :)

...lindy

Random Thoughts...Aaaagain. :)

2010-07-23T16:39:00.000-05:00

One of my old friends, Grace, got married today. (...and so it begins...)

I'm doing something I thought I would never do right now -- singing along to Bad Romance...but it's by Glee, so it's acceptable...right? :/

I'm eagerly and somewhat impatiently waiting for the sequel to The Hunger Games, Catching Fire to get in at the library! It's killing me that I'm that I'm number 253 (ahhhh). Also, the third book is due within the next month...so...yeah. I might cave and go buy it. :)

I went to bed with wet hair last night, and the result this morning was chock-full of hilarity. Wish I had a picture for you, but just picture Jen Pringle from Anne of Avonlea....that was basically me.

Went to Worlds of Fun yesterday! Mrs. Saylor texted Sierra half-way through the day and asked "Are you having worlds of fun?". ...We were.

Darren gave me silly bands yesterday! YES. I got a guitar, mic, panther and a frog. I already traded the panther and the frog with Kaylin. It's crazy how much fun those things are.

I have my iTunes on shuffle and am forcing myself not to skip anything...because I'm trying to cure my musical ADD.

I keep getting distracted. Right now I have tabs open for mlia and facebook. ...just listened to Mine, Mine, Mine (from Pocahontas) with Kaylin. :)

I can't say I'm exactly thrilled that I'm going to Del-Haven next week, and that VBS is right after it. Thank goodness I had this whole week to recover from Ivy Bend, though. I don't think I would've survived otherwise, haha.

Kaylin's looking at the Hercules soundtrack, and it made me remember that the first time I saw that movie was while I was babysitting, after I put the kids to bed. :) I miss babysitting. I haven't in ages!

Ok, this is getting rather pointless, so I'm going to end it there, at 10. :) Hopefully I'll have something of substance later.

...lindy

The Hunger Games

2010-07-20T08:58:00.000-05:00

Just finished this book last yesterday -- it was another book that I willingly substituted for sleep.

It's a book set hundreds of years in the future, where, to ward against rebellion, the rulers of what used to be America set up a cruel reminder that they are in charge. The rulers have a lottery to select 2 tributes, a boy and a girl 12-18, from each district, and force them to fight to the death in the wilderness. This "competition" is called "The Hunger Games", and every district is forced to celebrate it, the very murder of their children.

Honestly, it's rather horrible. The parallel to the Roman gladiators is obvious, but the fact that it's in the future is frightening. Is our culture, with its obsession with competition and sports, vulnerable to the same acceptance of just...monstrosities...for the sake of entertainment?

Anyway, this book is a must-read. It's a YA novel, so not very difficult to read, but impossible to put down. :)

...lindy

.Panopticon.

2010-07-08T09:49:00.000-05:00

Panopticon

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/"Panopticon":

The Panopticon is a type of prison building designed by English philosopher and social theorist Jeremy Bentham in 1785. The concept of the design is to allow an observer to observe (-opticon) all (pan-) prisoners without the incarcerated being able to tell whether they are being watched, thereby conveying what one architect has called the "sentiment of an invisible omniscience."^[1]

Bentham himself described the Panopticon as "a new mode of obtaining power of mind over mind, in a quantity hitherto without example."^[2]

In a novel I finished last night (The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks) the author, E. Lockhart, uses Michel Foucualt's "idea of the panopticon as a metaphor for Western society and its emphasis on normalization and observation". She explains it well in the book, but I'm going to have a crack at it here -- after all, you've only fully grasped a concept when you're able to teach it.

Panoptical behavior is the awareness of the written and unwritten rules of our culture/peers, and following those rules even if no one is watching. For example, it isn't wrong to pick your nose, but you most likely wouldn't do it in front of your friends. If you're panoptical, you wouldn't pick your nose even when you're by yourself because you wouldn't in front of your friends. There's this part of you that feels like they're watching you, that they could appear at any moment and squeal "Eww, gross!".

This concept vastly intrigues me. I see it everywhere. I can see some of it in myself. It makes me wonder...what is my motivation for the things I do? Is it always because I know it's what God wants, and I love Him? Or is it because I want to preserve my reputation?

Just something to think about...

...lindy

Remembering the Cross (Del-Haven, 2010)

2010-07-07T10:20:00.000-05:00

Del-Haven, in the two weeks I've spent there this year, has been a mix of trials and encouragement. At the moment, though, I just want to focus on the good. Here's a small list of moments I loved.

Sha'Nifa running up to me and giving me a hug as soon as she saw me

Playing basketball with Trumane and John -- and earning their respect by out-shooting them

Alyiah, finally warming up to me, standing with an arm around her while we watch the stars

The older girls asking to be able to say goodnight to everyone before I turned out the light, and then reminding me to pray

Kelsey, when she heard I wasn't going to swim: "Awww, sad face!"

Making a "what not to eat on a date" list with Derria and Laura

An air-squeezed-out-of-me hug from Dayonte before she left - a camper who got extremely angry at me when I had to use an unusual tactic (ice water) to wake me up in the morning.

Leading all the different versions of "Lord's Army" with the kids :)

Playing "the floor is lava", hide-and-seek, freeze tag, etc

Beasting everyone in Foosball. Just sayin. :P

Bonding with all the counselor's over Despicable Me -- "IT'S SO FLUFFY!"

One particular night at the little kids camp when a little boy came out of the bathroom with NOTHING on, John yelling "RUN, Raymond, RUN!" -- thankfully I didn't see it happening, but just being there when it happened was hysterical.

On that same night, the trees were literally sparkling with fireflies -- it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen

Sarah Jane. Enough said.

Eating pancakes with chopsticks with the campers :)

There are so many more moments that I loved, but they're already starting to wash away from my memory. :/

One more thing that I loved though, was listening to Sheri's (the head counselor) devotions. Every year she presents the gospel, though never forces the kids to come forward, say a prayer, anything. She faithfully plants the seed, explaining in detail how Jesus came to Earth, lead a sinless life, then shows how he died on the cross to take the punishment for our sins. Every year it strikes me again.

It's distressing how quickly I become calloused to what Jesus did for me. How he hung there, suffered and died for me. And every year at Del-Haven I'm reminded of how much he loves me. I love it. I love seeing the faces of the kids (even if 3/4ths of them aren't paying attention, or falling asleep), hearing the gospel for the first time.

My heart is so burdened for them...I miss them all so much. I may not ever see them again. They may have already forgotten me, but I hope they remember that most important story, the songs they learned and the verses they memorized.

Pastor talked about Haiti last Sunday, about how there's a group of girls and women there, falling in love with the kids like I did. I was on the stage, holding my violin and struggling not to cry as I remembered argumentative Otenell, ornery Jackenson, sweet Rose Guerlin...I miss all of them. Haiti feels so far away, in the sense of the time that's past and just...well...the location. And yet, as much as I want to go back, there's something also in me that whispers "move on". Maybe one day I'll be able to go back, but right now it doesn't feel like God is calling me to be there.

I'm starting to ramble, so I'd better wrap this up. Ivy Bend is in five days! So close! I'm excited, but I feel oh-so unprepared. I'm trying to avoid my concern that it won't be as good as last time. Like always, I don't want expectations, I just want it to be what it will be.

ANYWAY, haha, I'll blog about Ivy Bend when I get home!

...lindy

Take the time. Read it.

2010-06-27T08:08:00.000-05:00

Isaiah 43

The Redeemer of Israel

¹ But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel:

“ Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
² When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
³ For I am the LORD your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I gave Egypt for your ransom,
Ethiopia and Seba in your place.
⁴ Since you were precious in My sight,
You have been honored,
And I have loved you;
Therefore I will give men for you,
And people for your life.
⁵ Fear not, for I am with you;
I will bring your descendants from the east,
And gather you from the west;
⁶ I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
And to the south, ‘Do not keep them back!’
Bring My sons from afar,
And My daughters from the ends of the earth—
⁷ Everyone who is called by My name,
Whom I have created for My glory;
I have formed him, yes, I have made him.”
⁸ Bring out the blind people who have eyes,
And the deaf who have ears.
⁹ Let all the nations be gathered together,
And let the people be assembled.
Who among them can declare this,
And show us former things?
Let them bring out their witnesses, that they may be justified;
Or let them hear and say, “It is truth.”
¹⁰ “ You are My witnesses,” says the LORD,

“ And My servant whom I have chosen,
That you may know and believe Me,
And understand that I am He.
Before Me there was no God formed,
Nor shall there be after Me.
¹¹ I, even I, am the LORD,
And besides Me there is no savior.
¹² I have declared and saved,
I have proclaimed,
And there was no foreign god among you;
Therefore you are My witnesses,”
Says the LORD, “that I am God.
¹³ Indeed before the day was, I am He;
And there is no one who can deliver out of My hand;
I work, and who will reverse it?”
¹⁴ Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer,
The Holy One of Israel:

“ For your sake I will send to Babylon,
And bring them all down as fugitives—
The Chaldeans, who rejoice in their ships.
¹⁵ I am the LORD, your Holy One,
The Creator of Israel, your King.”
¹⁶ Thus says the LORD, who makes a way in the sea
And a path through the mighty waters,
¹⁷ Who brings forth the chariot and horse,
The army and the power
(They shall lie down together, they shall not rise;
They are extinguished, they are quenched like a wick):
¹⁸ “ Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
¹⁹ Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.
²⁰ The beast of the field will honor Me,
The jackals and the ostriches,
Because I give waters in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert,
To give drink to My people, My chosen.
²¹ This people I have formed for Myself;
They shall declare My praise.
Pleading with Unfaithful Israel

²² “ But you have not called upon Me, O Jacob;
And you have been weary of Me, O Israel.
²³ You have not brought Me the sheep for your burnt offerings,
Nor have you honored Me with your sacrifices.
I have not caused you to serve with grain offerings,
Nor wearied you with incense.
²⁴ You have bought Me no sweet cane with money,
Nor have you satisfied Me with the fat of your sacrifices;
But you have burdened Me with your sins,
You have wearied Me with your iniquities.
²⁵ “ I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake;
And I will not remember your sins.
²⁶ Put Me in remembrance;
Let us contend together;
State your case, that you may be acquitted.
²⁷ Your first father sinned,
And your mediators have transgressed against Me.
²⁸ Therefore I will profane the princes of the sanctuary;
I will give Jacob to the curse,
And Israel to reproaches.

I have some friends who are going through really rough times right now. It hurts me so much, knowing people I love are hurting. Maybe it's just because I'm so tired from Del-Haven, but it's really weighing on me right now. I need to step back and remember that my God, my Daddy can take care of them...I don't need to fear or worry. He's the shepherd that will leave the 99 to search for 1.

My Shepherd will supply my need

My Shepherd will supply my need:
Jehovah is His Name;
In pastures fresh He makes me feed,
Beside the living stream.
He brings my wandering spirit back
When I forsake His ways,
And leads me, for His mercy's sake,
In paths of truth and grace.

2. When I walk through the shades of death,
Thy presence is my stay;
A word of Thy supporting breath
Drives all my fears away.
Thy hand, in sight of all my foes,
Doth still my table spread;
My cup with blessings overflows,
Thine oil anoints my head.

3. The sure provisions of my God
Attend me all my days;
O may Thy house be my abode,
And all my work be praise!
There would I find a settled rest,
While others go and come;
No more a stranger, nor a guest,
But like a child at home.

...lindy

Del-Haven, 2010!

2010-06-12T07:05:00.000-05:00

On Thursday I got home from Del-Haven training week.

I'm still recovering.

It was the lowest attendance I've ever seen to a training -- there was really only two guys there, John and sometimes Nick. The rest were girls: Kendle, Allison, Emilie, Tory and Laura. The "head counselors" were Sheri and Jeff, as always. :) But regardless of the fact that there were only ten of us (if the people not staying overnight were there), it was still so much fun! ...and super exhausting.

If we weren't working around the camp, brainstorming ideas for crafts, skits, etc; we were playing intense games...like:

Man-Hunt

Basically, man-hunt is freeze tag in the dark. Once you get frozen three times, you're it. We played it in the dorm, and IT'S SO MUCH FUN. I'm a little too proud to admit that I was the only one that was never tagged. I kind of ROCKED at this game, haha. Pardon my pride -- it's just that I am NEVER the best at something. This is evidenced in the rest of the activities.

2. Freeze tag

This is the real freeze tag. In the light. I sucked at this game. Not only was I one of the most out of shape counselors, I also had the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time....and was it (tagged three times) ...twice. Haha. Regardless, it was amazing exercise.

3. Swimming

On the first night, we went for a midnight swim -- SO MUCH FUN. It was just a little chilly in the beginning, but after you got past the initial shock, it was fine. The stars are really clear at Del-Haven, since it's pretty much out in the country, so it was amazing to just float on your back and see the stars above you. ...we had a competition to see who could do the best cannonball...I lost. By a LONG shot. ...plus, I'm embarrassed to admit I hold my nose when I jump into the pool. Yep. Judge. Mock. Scorn. Still, it was something I'd never done (gone for a midnight swim), so it was worth it.

4. Dodgeball

Yes, I throw like a girl. I had the worst aim/arm strength of anyone there, hahaha, but it was still amazing! We played in the basement of the dorm with "ball-pit balls". The couches were arranged to divide down the center, and also two other rows set up as "bunkers" for the opposing teams. I think we played for a total of two hours or so, and my arm is STILL sore. Two counselors got injured, which was crazy...and everyone was drenched in sweat.

I guess those are the main things we did. The planning/training was just like it was four years ago, so I don't feel like I have much to say about that. OH. To add to the exhaustion, we stayed up ridiculously late every night. The first, it was 1 or 2 am. The second, I stayed up until 4 am, and three of the rest of the counselors stayed up all night. The final night we went to bed around 12. Every morning we woke up around 7 or 8, so there was no sleeping in. One night we watched The Dark Knight. One night we played board games. We swam quite a lot. Saw several HUMONGOUS wolf spiders (a little bigger than the size of my hand).

So yes. :) It was a fun week, but I'm glad to be home.

This Summer is going to be so busy. Three weeks of Del-Haven, one of VBS, one of Ivy Bend...and a few weeks in between of recovery. I'm actually a little worried, especially after this week took so much out of me.

Hopefully this will be a Summer of learning how to rely on God for all of my strength.

...lindy

Lists! Oh What Fun!

2010-06-05T15:05:00.000-05:00

HELLO THERE.

I am going to make a list of 10 random thoughts. Ready?

Tomorrow I am supposed to teach the theme song of VBS to the leaders! This should be fun! *crosses fingers*

Tomorrow is the first day of The Truth Project in Sunday School (awesome), breakfast in SS (awesome), and the first day of Volleyball! YAY!

I am listening to Copeland right now, who I've only recently discovered, and quite enjoy.

Enjoyed playing tennis on Thursday night, but wish my skillz were a little...um...BETTER. Doubles is so much fun, though!

Del-Haven training starts on Monday. I don't know what to expect! I'm not entirely sure who's going to be there, and what will be expected of me. Ah well! Should be a fun time, no matter what! :)

...made myself some iced coffee today. Delicious!

My Haiti friendship bracelet is falling apart. :(

A friend of mine just finished recording a CD...and I really, really hope I get a copy. *wonders*

"Ok, I look like an asparagus." "...but a very CUTE asparagus!" "No, it's ok...I'll just wear my blue suit!"

...our family is the proud new owners of an adorable new guinea pig named Caspian the 11th! He is precious, and it makes me happy to have an animal in the house again!

...lindy

losing coherency altogether

2010-05-17T09:11:00.000-05:00

*insert pathetic "I'm so sorry I haven't updated" mum-bo-jumbo here*

I have encountered two crises in the past few days. I've had a strange nausea/fatigue/feverish type of bug that, while sort of paralyzing (I really don't do well with nausea) is just non-descript enough to make me feel stupid about turning down opportunities.

For example, Thursday night I got a few people together to go to the midnight showing of Robin Hood. I planned it a few days in advance, and even though only two other people were going to end up being there, I was still excited about it. The trouble started Thursday morning when I woke up early to go to the hospital with Jess. My stomach was a bit queasy, so I ate a banana, hoping that would settle it. All day it continued to get worse, but I was determined; I mean, I'd planned this movie thing, I wasn't going to bail out!

Stephen, one of the people going with me, was going to pick me up at about 10:30. From 9:30 till then I paced, debating whether or not I should call it off...but no, surely once I was with them I'd be fine.

10:30, and he pulled into the driveway. With a deep breath, I hurried to his car, pulling on a jacket. Easy conversation began as we pulled out of the subdivision, and then things started getting bad. I remember him asking;

"So what did you do today, chores?"

"No, I..." and a wave of nausea hit me. There was an unnaturally long pause as I tried to gather myself, doing everything in my power to have *mind over stomach*. "You know what, Stephen....I've actually been feeling really crappy all day. I thought I'd be fine, but..." I tried to breathe deeply.

Stephen said something to the affect of "Oh, I'm sorry...are you going to be ok?"

And then I had to speak the humiliating command of, "Um...actually...just be ready to pull over."

"Are you serious?!" Stephen's voice had a slight inflection of disbelief, laughing, probably half-convinced I was pulling his leg.

"Yeah. PULL OVER." I said, scrambling for the door handle. We were still on Chipman, and there, in front of some poor person's house, I........dry-heaved. Lucky them. Unfortunately it made me look like more of a fool. I think I would've rather thrown up then to cry wolf like that.

We carried on for another thirty seconds, maybe, before the motion of the car was too much and I told him to turn around, I needed to go home. He pulled a quick u-turn, and then I made him pull over....yet again...and yet again, I didn't throw up! I got back into the car -- sat for a second as he put the car into drive, seat belt unfastened, leaning against the door, one leg up, trying to relax, mortified.

"Ok, we're just going to go nice and slow and get you home." Stephen said, trying to make light of the situation. "Alright, I'm going to start speeding up...are you ok?"

"NOPE." I said. He pulled over AGAIN, and before he even stopped I had hopped out of the car, running a bit to not lose my balance. I couldn't be in the car anymore. I had to WALK HOME.

I don't know if you can sense the note of bitterness in this whole story, but I'm not completely over the humiliation, haha. It's pathetic. I don't like being the "sick" one. I don't like the pity, I don't like how uncomfortable it makes everyone, I don't like the "special treatment"...I hate all of it. So when I had the same nauseous feeling on Sunday, I was immediately determined to make it through church. I was supposed to sing a duet, and there was no way I was canceling that at the last minute, either....because apparently I don't learn my lessons.

I "manned-up" and fought through the queasiness during the mic-check and Sunday School, though there were three separate times where I rushed to the bathroom, sure I was going to throw up....and didn't. That's the frustrating part of all of this, I've never thrown up. I don't get it.

Thanks to God, I made it through. I was panicking through the worship service, unable to sit still, running scenarios in my head of what would happen if I was up there and couldn't finish the song. Thanks to many prayers, two minutes before I needed to go up I had a burst of adrenaline and the symptoms went away. I made it through the song, thank goodness...but almost immediately after I had to go home, and crashed.

With all of this, I think I've discovered a problem. I am nearly completely unable to let people down. I hate "rocking the boat". I push through, no matter the cost. I am completely unhinged when I have to say "no" -- I don't want to be the one who can't hold up her end of the bargain.

It all goes back to pride, I guess. My reputation matters far too much to me. I'm paranoid that people are mad at me, are disappointed in me, or think badly of me.

For a long time I've had a hard time walking the line of having a good testimony vs obsessing about my reputation. No matter how "perfectly" you live with others, there are going to be misunderstandings, or times when you're humanly unable to do what you're asked. Romans 12:8 says If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. The fact is, you can only do so much, even with other believers. We will always have varying standards, differences in theology, and flesh to battle against that wants us to lash out in anger or seethe in bitterness.

I need to refocus on God, and remember that it's only His opinion that matters. With all of this sickness happening, I've been sleeping a lot, and haven't had regular devotions...and because of that, my spiritual life has really suffered. My prayers are forced, the joy is gone, and I'm really worn down. Sometimes the hardest part of these spiritual dry times is getting back into the habit -- it takes a lot of effort to push against the current of apathy and have that much-needed quiet time.

I want this summer to be the best yet. In Sunday School, Mr. Saylor talked about making this summer not just about relaxation and fun, but to make it worthwhile. There are so many meaningful things I could be doing, but instead I'm partial to lying around with my laptop, on facebook, youtube, or hulu. But there is no possible way this season is going to mean anything if I'm not spiritually prepared.

Why is it that something eternally important quickly becomes optional in our "busyness"?

...oh my. I've gone off on so many rabbit trails in this post. I really need to get back into the habit of blogging or else risk losing coherency altogether.

...lindy

Sparce

2010-05-04T16:44:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry I haven't updated much lately. I haven't had any ideas.

This is a song that I love, though. Ready?

Sara Groves, "From This One Place"

I was about to give up and that's no lie
cardinal landed outside my window
threw his head back and sang a song
so beautiful it made me cry

took me back to a childhood tree
full of birds and dreams

from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else

I don't know what's making me so afraid
tiny cloud over my head
heavy and grey with a hint of dread
I don't like to feel this way

take me back to a window seat
with clouds beneath my feet

from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else

...lindy

Stood Up -- A Fine Frenzy

2010-04-24T07:57:00.000-05:00

We are not frightened anymore,
We stood up, we stood up

And there are two of us there will be more,
They'll show up, yeah they'll show up
They'll show up

Blame a change of mind
A seismic shift in times
They told us not to fight
But we'll fight it till we die

Cos' we are not frightened anymore,
We stood up, we stood up

And there are two of us there will be many more,
They'll show up, yeah they'll show up

And so they sunk every ship we sailed
But we stood up, we stood up

And they fought hard, but somewhere fighting failed
They're all shook up, they're all shook up
All shook up

Steel and concrete break
Beneath the steady waves
Of fearless hope and grace
In kindness there is strength.

Cos' we are not frightened anymore,
We stood up, we stood up

And there are two of us there will be many more,
They'll show up, yeah they'll show up

"Petals Soft and Sweet Against My Nose"

2010-04-12T16:31:00.000-05:00

...listening to Stacey Kent, while waiting for my tea to finish steeping. Trying to relax.

Had an emotional day today. Worked out for the first time in...oh my...I don't know how long. Worked for my dad, changed my room around, did dishes (you laugh, but it took forever), practiced a lot of music, and tried to clear my mom's dying computer of unused programs. Also, I made a VERY humbling confession, which was good for me, I suppose...but painful.

I've decided that the key to feeling productive is merely to make a to-do list. Not only will you achieve more, but every (PAUSE -- the tea's done :P ...okay, back) time you cross something off your list it's like taking a bite of chocolate. It's THAT gratifying.

...side note. It's a little pathetic how happy I get when a friend updates their facebook/twitter/blog. I LOVE it. It might have something to do with the fact that I'm living vicariously through others while I go through this..."calm" time. Haha.

So my sekrit (and yes, I DO know how to spell secret, haha, I just enjoy being...silly...sorry) plans failed, I think. Ah well. I'll let you know what they were, I suppose, since they didn't happy. Basically, I mentioned offhandedly to a friend last summer that I was going to scare him with a clown (he's deathly afraid) sometime while he was at college...ALAS, even though I made covert plans with his roommate, he either:

Forgot

Couldn't find any clown paraphernalia

Thought it was a stupid idea didn't do it (though he SAID it was hilarious and he would "try"

Ah well! I don't really care, hahaha, there's no way this friend would've remembered anyway. :P But now you know the sekrit!

I've moved on to Rosie Thomas in iTunes. If you don't have any of her songs, it's WORTH THE INVESTMENT. Right now I'm listening to "Guess it May". I love "Finish Line", too, "Say Hello", "It Don't Matter to the Sun", "Since You've Been Around", and so many more.

Ok, well, I guess it's bedtime.

"Come on prove me wrong and tell me I'm no loner. And tell me I'm not crazy, or maybe just a little, maybe just a little bit crazy...but mostly prove me wrong!" -- Mostly Prove Me Wrong, Fiction Family :)

...lindy

this world is where i breathe - let it never be called home!

Things that Inexplicably Bring Me Happiness and Comfort

Awareness & Wonder

Bit of News.

I'm Not Good at Titles

these little black pixels

What Tomorrow Holds.

Everyone's Sentimental (Me Included)

Quiddity.

Patronus Charm Memories

Meaning.

I Have to Get it Out.

Encouragement.

Oh, Late Night Thoughts.

Neglected. Again.

You Will Not Abandon My Soul

A Miktam [1] of David.

Taking Myself Too Seriously

20 Things I Will Never Do Concerning YouTube

This Year Will Be Different

Looking Back On 2010

Everything Comes Together

Be Here Now (A Melodramatic Entry)

A Lull in My Life

Oh, Man is a Giddy Thing.

Too Much Coffee; Not Enough Writing

Well, Mel did it, sooo...

PROcrastination

And After the Storm...

One Foot Off the Ground

Everyone Must Breathe Until Their Final Breath

I'd Like You To Meet Sufjan. Say Hello!

Hey! Guess What! I'm BACK! :)

I Wish For Each Day

Out of Context.

Quick Story:

Lazy Wednesday Afternoon

Today is a New Day

"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning, great is your fathfulness!" Lamentations 3:22-23

Great is His faithfulness!

Hebrews 12 - Our God is a Consuming Fire

Hebrews 12

Jesus, Founder and Perfecter of Our Faith

Do Not Grow Weary

A Kingdom That Cannot Be Shaken

Top 10 Favorite Albums

It Comes and Goes in Waves.

So why the heck can't I get him out of my head?!?

BEDA #31

BEDA #30

BEDA #29

BEDA #28

RTBH:

BEDA #27

BEDA #26

BEDA #25

BEDA #24

BEDA #23

BEDA #21

BEDA #20

BEDA #19

BEDA #18

BEDA #17

BEDA...#16? *blush*

BEDA #5

BEDA #4

BEDA 3.

BEDA 2.

BEDA Day 1! August 1st, 2010

Home, Finally.

Reasons to be Happy

I am in a bad mood. I am determined to change that.

REASONS TO BE HAPPY

(EXTENDED FROM TWITTER)

I feel much better. :)

Random Thoughts...Aaaagain. :)

The Hunger Games

.Panopticon.

Remembering the Cross (Del-Haven, 2010)

Take the time. Read it.

BEDA...#16? blush